What Happened to our Queens?

A few weeks ago, a guy posted a question on Instagram asking, “What happened to my queens?”  And my response to him was, “They tried too hard to become Kings so that the Kings would pay them attention and mistakenly became Harlots because they saw that the Kings preferred them.”  I call this “The Mirror Effect”.  It’s where a woman mirrors a man’s behavior in hopes that he will then mirror hers in return.  But what us women (yes me included) don’t understand is that while we move on emotion, men move on logic and reason.  If something is working in their favor, they won’t see a reason to change.  Let me give you an example: Man and woman meet, man says to woman, “I don’t want a relationship, I just want friends, maybe even a cut buddy from time to time.” Woman agrees (Mirrors him). Man and woman start hanging out and woman gives man some “cut”.  Woman really starts to like man and starts to do things for man to show him that she is feeling him.  In the back of woman’s mind, she is hoping that man is changing his mind and wanting more just as she has (hopes he mirrors her).  But what woman fails to realize is man is getting what he wants and therefore sees no reason to change.  Now this is not the case in every situation; there have been plenty of healthy relationships where this “practice” has worked in the woman’s favor.   But let me serve as a voice of reason to my ladies; the way to a man’s heart is NOT through YOUR vagina.  Fortunately or unfortunately; however you may look at it, men are wired differently.  Their natural instinct is to procreate that is why they are able to separate sex from their emotions.  IF THEY CHOOSE TO.  We are not conditioned in this regard.  Now I understand that some of the blame should be put on them as well, but it’s time for us women to have accountability for our own actions and stop pointing the finger elsewhere when we have the power to change our lives.  I know some of the blame can go to our fathers for not being there and some to our mothers for not knowing how to give us that paternal love but at some point in our lives, we must take a look at what we are doing to cause the strife in our lives. 

We gotta get back to the days where the men were the pursuers because the women knew their value and wouldn’t allow for anything less.  “(S)he who chooses, holds the power”.  Ladies, we gotta get our power back. We have to understand that we have the power, yes fellas THE POWER; to make a man do ANYTHING we want him to without him laying one finger on our body.  My mother used to always tell me, “Never reveal all your cards to a man up front.”  We must keep an air of mystery ladies, keep them guessing, keep them engaged.  Not being so available.  We need to remove the mirrors from his face and place them in front of our own.  We must get back to making ourselves happy first.  Not compromising our Queendom just to emulate his supreme when his duties as King are different than our own.

I know that our Queens are still out there and I have faith that we can gain our power back and once again reign supreme.

Tiera Gray

Tiera has launched her Love Sex & Baggage movement in hopes to bridge the gap between men and women and help destroy the myths that each sex has in regards to each other. This movement is meant to inspire, intrigue, and provoke all your senses and evoke change in your love life. She has also launched her highly anticipated new web series, “The Amazing Woman’s Guide to Loving Her Single Life” on the Love Sex & Baggage You Tube channel which takes a modern day look at single women today trying to navigate their way through dating.

Her next book, “The Girl in the Uhaul” is scheduled to release August 2016!

To see or hear more of what Tiera Nicole has going on, check her out:
http://www.facebook.com/iamtieranicole
http://www.youtube.com/lovesexbaggage
Instagram- @Iam_TieraNicole

How Leaders Create and Use Networks

By Herminia Ibarra and Mark Lee Hunter From the January 2007 Issue of the Harvard Business Review

            

When Henrik Balmer became the production manager and a board member of a newly bought-out cosmetics firm, improving his network was the last thing on his mind. The main problem he faced was time: Where would he find the hours to guide his team through a major upgrade of the production process and then think about strategic issues like expanding the business? The only way he could carve out time and still get home to his family at a decent hour was to lock himself—literally—in his office. Meanwhile, there were day-to-day issues to resolve, like a recurring conflict with his sales director over custom orders that compromised production efficiency. Networking, which Henrik defined as the unpleasant task of trading favors with strangers, was a luxury he could not afford. But when a new acquisition was presented at a board meeting without his input, he abruptly realized he was out of the loop—not just inside the company, but outside, too—at a moment when his future in the company was at stake.

Henrik’s case is not unusual. Over the past two years, we have been following a cohort of 30 managers making their way through what we call the leadership transition, an inflection point in their careers that challenges them to rethink both themselves and their roles. In the process, we’ve found that networking—creating a fabric of personal contacts who will provide support, feedback, insight, resources, and information—is simultaneously one of the most self-evident and one of the most dreaded developmental challenges that aspiring leaders must address.

Their discomfort is understandable. Typically, managers rise through the ranks by dint of a strong command of the technical elements of their jobs and a nose-to-the-grindstone focus on accomplishing their teams’ objectives. When challenged to move beyond their functional specialties and address strategic issues facing the overall business, many managers do not immediately grasp that this will involve relational—not analytical—tasks. Nor do they easily understand that exchanges and interactions with a diverse array of current and potential stakeholders are not distractions from their “real work” but are actually at the heart of their new leadership roles.

Like Henrik (whose identity we’ve disguised, along with all the other managers we describe here), a majority of the managers we work with say that they find networking insincere or manipulative—at best, an elegant way of using people. Not surprisingly, for every manager who instinctively constructs and maintains a useful network, we see several who struggle to overcome this innate resistance. Yet the alternative to networking is to fail—either in reaching for a leadership position or in succeeding at it.

Watching our emerging leaders approach this daunting task, we discovered that three distinct but interdependent forms of networking—operational, personal, and strategic—played a vital role in their transitions. The first helped them manage current internal responsibilities, the second boosted their personal development, and the third opened their eyes to new business directions and the stakeholders they would need to enlist. While our managers differed in how well they pursued operational and personal networking, we discovered that almost all of them underutilized strategic networking. In this article, we describe key features of each networking form (summarized in the exhibit “The Three Forms of Networking”) and, using our managers’ experiences, explain how a three-pronged networking strategy can become part and parcel of a new leader’s development plan.

 The Three Forms of Networking Managers who think they are adept at networking are often operating only at an operational or personal level. Effective leaders learn to employ networks for strategic purposes.

Operational Networking

All managers need to build good working relationships with the people who can help them do their jobs. The number and breadth of people involved can be impressive—such operational networks include not only direct reports and superiors but also peers within an operational unit, other internal players with the power to block or support a project, and key outsiders such as suppliers, distributors, and customers. The purpose of this type of networking is to ensure coordination and cooperation among people who have to know and trust one another in order to accomplish their immediate tasks. That isn’t always easy, but it is relatively straightforward, because the task provides focus and a clear criterion for membership in the network: Either you’re necessary to the job and helping to get it done, or you’re not.


Although operational networking was the form that came most naturally to the managers we studied, nearly every one had important blind spots regarding people and groups they depended on to make things happen. In one case, Alistair, an accounting manager who worked in an entrepreneurial firm with several hundred employees, was suddenly promoted by the company’s founder to financial director and given a seat on the board. He was both the youngest and the least-experienced board member, and his instinctive response to these new responsibilities was to reestablish his functional credentials. Acting on a hint from the founder that the company might go public, Alistair undertook a reorganization of the accounting department that would enable the books to withstand close scrutiny. Alistair succeeded brilliantly in upgrading his team’s capabilities, but he missed the fact that only a minority of the seven-person board shared the founder’s ambition. A year into Alistair’s tenure, discussion about whether to take the company public polarized the board, and he discovered that all that time cleaning up the books might have been better spent sounding out his codirectors.


One of the problems with an exclusive reliance on operational networks is that they are usually geared toward meeting objectives as assigned, not toward asking the strategic question, “What should we be doing?” By the same token, managers do not exercise as much personal choice in assembling operational relationships as they do in weaving personal and strategic networks, because to a large extent the right relationships are prescribed by the job and organizational structure. Thus, most operational networking occurs within an organization, and ties are determined in large part by routine, short-term demands. Relationships formed with outsiders, such as board members, customers, and regulators, are directly task-related and tend to be bounded and constrained by demands determined at a higher level. Of course, an individual manager can choose to deepen and develop the ties to different extents, and all managers exercise discretion over who gets priority attention. It’s the quality of relationships—the rapport and mutual trust—that gives an operational network its power. Nonetheless, the substantial constraints on network membership mean these connections are unlikely to deliver value to managers beyond assistance with the task at hand. 
  

How Do You L.E.A.D?

How Do You L.E.A.D?

We hear about leadership everyday. whether you are on the job, in the home or out in your community, the topic of leadership is around us and relevant. But what does it mean? I remember my elementary school days of being hard pressed to be the line leader. I loved knowing I was at the front of the line. I was the chosen one to be first. I also know the exhilaration of sitting in the front seat on the best roller coasters. I want to be the first to see what's up ahead and feel that rush!  

No matter your position in life, you are created to lead. It's innate. The degree of leadership and position will vary, but the ability and skills of leadership are relevant in each of us everyday. So how do you lead? How do you choose to think? Act? Live? As I thought about what leadership means to me, I decided that to lead means to Live Everyday As Destiny. I am here. I have a purpose. I was given this life, so it's up to me to determine how I use it. And the same goes for you. You are a born leader. You have the right to be you unapologetically, but are you? If not, what are you willing to do to make the necessary shift into greatness? As you continue to develop your own definition of who you are as a leader, I want to share with you some tips for your journey. 

 1. Do what's necessary- Yes, I know. Writing a business plan, vacuuming, making that cold call, walking by faith.. they are all things that probably don't tickle your pickle, but you know they are necessary for your growth and power. Take the time to create a plan and a schedule to get through the difficult stuff. Take a class, find strong accountability partners and maybe even put a reward system in place for yourself to get the tough stuff done. As you build the muscle, in may not increase your desire to do, but it will increase your ability.

2.  Live within your means- We know we're created for more and we see our future selves in all of our glory. We know we need to dress, talk, speak and act as if we are already where we want to be, but let's keep 10% of ourselves in the present! More often I hear of women who are stressed and overwhelmed because they are "tapped out" or "don't have the means" to do whatever it is that they desire.  I'm here to tell you that you have the power to change that! Refer back to tip #1 and do what's necessary. That normally means making a sacrifice. We often get stuck and complacent because we are not willing to make that radical sacrifice to get to the next level. Maximize your means! You have friends, family, contacts, relationships and resources around you everyday that can donate, loan, support, suggest and guide you to where you need to be. Utilize those resources and manage your funds wisely. Make a sacrificial cut now to create a long term abundance later. You are destined to have money in your bank account, so leave it there!

3. Designate and Delegate . In order to do step #2, I encourage you to find your people and use them. Get comfortable with asking for what you need. People really do want to help, but they do not have your vision. You have to share it with them and let them know how to support you.

4. Don't try. Do. "I tried and it didn't work." "I give up." "That's not for me." Well, do it again. You know it's for you, you're just disappointed. That's ok. disappointment is part of the process too, but you must keep going. If you've "tried" it, that means you've done it. You just want to adjust and do it again to get better and better. Stay committed to the vision. If you're destined for it, it will work.

5. Live! Life is happening everyday. You have the opportunity to choose. Let go of your fears, inhibitions and childhood teachings that no longer suit you. This is your life and your opportunity to shine like only you can.  You are here to show up in the greatness that only has your name on it. Own it!! Let the world know why you are hearing. We are waiting for you.

The only way you can be the person you were created to be is to L.E.A.D.!

 

Kristin M. Young, “The Marriage Enthusiast” is a proud supporter and staff member of Heal a Woman to Heal a Nation, Inc. She is committed to supporting women in their journey to wholeness as individuals and in their marriages.