Firefighter- A Necessary Role in Marriage

“More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.” ~ Doug Larson

I will never forget that horrific day in August of 2000. I came home late morning/early afternoon from a babysitting job with every intention of taking a nap before I had to go to work. My younger sister was at home enjoying her last days before school started again. I honestly don’t remember what happened next, but what I do remember is telling my sister to call 911. I remember grabbing the fire extinguisher and squeezing and pulling the trigger to no avail. I remember scrambling for a bucket and running full speed from the bathroom to my sister’s bedroom trying to douse the growing fire. I remember (after the fact) feeling like the scene from the Little Rascals when they pass the bucket down the line and by the time they dump the bucket on the fire, it’s nothing but a few drops of water. I remember yelling to my sister to get out of the house and frantically looking for our cat to take her with us. I remember standing on the sidewalk watching helplessly in tears as the only home I’ve ever known was eaten alive in flames.

I remember the next days, weeks, and months being consumed with the horrible stench of smoke that was embedded in our clothes and what was left of our home. I remember the annoyance of itemizing and attempting to remember what was lost and what the value might be so the insurance company could pay us. I remember the nomadic moves from our 5 bedroom single family scorched and water damaged home to the 2 hotel rooms and the 2 bedroom apartment and the 3 bedroom townhome my family of five lived in. I remember the guilt of believing I should have prevented this grave inconvenience and tragedy for my whole family…..

Then I remember the day we were able to move back into our “new” home! As I entered the front door, I could see beautiful hardwood floors in the hall and stairway that were once covered by dark blue shag (yes, we still had shag in 2000) carpet. I saw modernized wallpaper in the dining room and a new found elegance in the living rooms. I saw brightly colored walls upstairs that brought a welcoming relaxing feeling. I saw built-in closets in my sisters and my rooms where stand-alone closets used to be. I saw a beautifully upgraded home that my parents talked about and dreamed about, but could not afford to do on their own. That wonderful day in May 2011, we started over. We were happier. We were a stronger family unit and full of optimism.

In marriage, you are guaranteed to have your own “fire” experiences. In these moments when you can justify giving up on your marriage…when you feel it’s impossible to fix…when you feel you can’t take anymore…remember you vowed “for better or for worse.” What if you knew you would live out a happier, stronger and more optimistic marriage after this trial? What if you knew by next year he would come around to get your finances on track? What if you waited another 60 days for that right mentor to help him finally understand how much you need that quality time? What if you waited those next three weeks for God to change his view on parenting and being more supportive around the home? What if you hadn’t cheated after you found out he did?  What if you vowed “for better AFTER worse?” 

We say we know the trials are coming, but we often choose to give up because we convince ourselves “I’ve done all I can do.” “That’s his problem.” “He’s never going to change.” “I deserve better.”

I want to encourage you to keep fighting your fire. If you are preparing for marriage, I want you to take the opportunity to prepare your mind and take an honest look at your values. In my experience, I saw the fire burn my house, but the structure was solid. I had to call for help, I had to shed some tears, I felt some pain, but our house still stood. Our house went through months of gutting out and restoration but in the end, all of that work produced a home that was better, higher in value and more appealing than the one that burned.

I want you to take a moment to be honest with yourself. Whether you are married, engaged or single, I want you to ask yourself these four things:


    1)     What is the real issue? If you separate the emotions, what is the “bare bones truth”              about what’s hurting your marriage? 
 
    2)        Have I asked for help?/Am I willing to ask for help?  Griping to your girlfriends                  just to vent and rehash the story is not productive. This will only feed the negative                 energy and emotions that you are feeling. Be sure to address your challenges with a             professional or a wise and seasoned confidante who will not just hear your issue, but             give you some practical views, insights and solutions, even if it means focusing on                 your own shortcomings.        


     3)      What is the change I want to see? Think about what would be different if this                       challenge went away right this instant. Think about how you would feel and how your             life would be affected. What is the part you play in creating that change?      


     4)      Was this preventable? Looking back, was there anything that either of you could                 have done to keep this fire from starting and how can you better “fireproof” your                     marriage for the future?

Marriage is intended to teach us about ourselves as well as each other as we grow. Trust that there will always be the “other side of through” and with truly unconditional love, you can take the heat. 

Kristin M. Young, “The Marriage Enthusiast” is the founder of Living The Vows-a marriage enhancement coaching organization, and Project Manager for Heal a Woman to Heal a Nation, Inc. She is committed to bringing joy to marriages and supporting women in their journeys to wholeness as individuals and in their marriages. you can find out more at www.livingthevows.com or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/LivingTheVows.

10 Tips to Make Your Blended Family Work For You

Blended Family Week: 10 Tips to Make Your Blended Family Work For You

BY: Stacey Taylor - 18 Sep '14 | Blended Families

***As originally posted on www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com***

Remember the Brady Bunch?  When the show came on it played that much too familiar song that went something like… “Here’s a story of a lovely lady… and a man named Brady … and that’s the way they ALL became the Brady Bunch… ” In that perfect square with that perfect house and all six kids coming together in harmony.

Every episode ended in a resolution to whatever problem went on for that day.  No matter what, the Brady’s worked it out didn’t they?

And so my fantasy perception of the blended family began.  Little did I know that REAL blended families come with problems and issues, and other parents, and extended family and non biological kids, etc.  After all, the Brady’s never seemed to worry about finances, custody, child support or bitter ex’s did they?  I never saw Marsha, Jan and Cindy’s real father.  They rarely even spoke of him or Peter, Greg and Bobby’s mother.  Were they dead?  Who knows.  What we know now is that blended families are a lot more complex than we ever imagined.

Almost 2,100 blended families form in the United States every day and 68% of re-marriages involve children from prior marriages according to TheBondedFamily.com

Blended families come with a lot of layers and its not gonna be a “Brady” experience for everyone. One of the main things that I think that should be the focus when families connect themselves together through marriage are the kids.  The children are going to be the only people in the whole situation who have no choice.  They don’t get to choose who their mom or dad marries.  They don’t get to choose the children that come along with that marriage.

When my husband and I chose to blend our families we were hoping it would be a piece of cake, but realized that we had to put in work.  All we were certain of is that we loved each other and that we wanted it to work.  My youngest son adapted pretty quickly to my new marriage and our new life in a different state and was comfortable from the beginning, but my oldest son…not so much.  For him it took awhile.  What we understand now is that younger children do adapt better in these situations.  Here are 3 of the steps that we took for our blended family.

Decide on what the child should call the new parent

I don’t think you should force a kid to call another man/woman by mom/dad.  If everyone is cool with it, then by all means make it happen.  We gave ours a choice.  One son calls my husband dad sometimes.  The other refers to him as dad, but calls him by his nickname that we all use.  Not a big issue for us.

Have a conversation with the child’s other parent

My husband and my sons father get along great.  I believe that is because they had a necessary conversation about discipline, respect and expectations for our son in the beginning.  They were on the same page so there was never any drama.  Allow the other parent to have some say so.  Discuss it and work it out no matter what.

Make your child understand that the new parent has authority

Sometimes as single parents we may tend to be a little more lenient on our kids.  Or maybe you are more strict.  When a new parent comes in some kids may think of them more as a friend/enemy but not as an authority figure.  Younger children adapt easier than older ones but if you let them know upfront the adjustment will be easier.

On the flipside of this blended family puzzle, after 10 years of marriage my husband’s 15 year old son came to live with us and that was another tricky situation, because he was definitely an older child.  When I agreed that he could come, I didn’t know how it would work out, but what I did know is that I love my husband and that I was going to do my best to make him feel comfortable and at home. Here are 7 more suggestions that we chose to do that helped him and could help you to make it through the transition into a blended family.

We never made him call me mom.

I never tried to be his mom.  I took care of him and exacted discipline as if he was my own yes, but never tried to take his mother’s place.  I think that’s a touchy issue for most kids and other parents as stated earlier.  Sometimes he called me mom and sometimes he called me Stacey and I was ok with whatever made him comfortable.

Give them their own space.

We did not make him share a room when he got here.  If you can, give them their own space. It has got to be hard to move from everything you know into a new place with different people.  A private space like their own room will give them a safe place to relax and adjust.

Lay down the rules on day one

When kids come from other households they are really coming from another culture or another way of doing things.  Make sure they understand what is acceptable and unacceptable in your household and do that from the start.

Allow them the time they need to adjust

Simple.  Give them time to adjust.  Don’t expect complete and total assimilation during those 1st few weeks/months.  Rome was not built in a day.  Time is essential.

Be patient

Nothing in life is perfect.  Expecting children to NEVER act out sometimes is delusional.  I don’t mean out of control behavior, but being allowed to express themselves emotionally.  Be patient and choose your battles.  Don’t make a big deal out of everything.

Never bad mouth the other parent

NEVER!  This will only breed resentment and hatred.  Also remember that no matter how you feel about the other parent the child loves that person.  Dont hurt them by allowing your mouth to spill out things that the child really has nothing to do with.

While trying to write this post, my stepson (only referring to him as that for the sake of this article.  He is my son) who is grown now and lives on his own, came over just to talk as he often does and I love that.  It lets me know that through everything that he appreciates and respects me.  I believe that in the end its all good.  My biological sons also love and show respect to my husband.  They also are grown now and all of them are respectable, well rounded young men.  I think we did good.  Either way if it can work out for me, then it can also work out for you.  If you can figure out what is going to work best for you and your family and keep everything in the best interest of your kids, you can’t go wrong.  All blended families differ much like a fingerprints, no two are exactly alike.  Remember that when taking anyone’s advice.  The important thing is to be a team and work together to eventually make the transition into a blended family a smoother one.

Stacey Taylor aka "The SistahChick" is the 40+ SuperChick behind TheSistahCafe.com, Sistah Buttah, and OurNaturalKids.ning.com. She is a writer, blogger and Social Media Maven with a passion for natural hair and her community. Through her online presence she promotes generational self acceptance for women & children alike. Since 2009 Stacey has used her blog to share her love for Atlanta's thriving social scene, natural hair and her successful life as a wife, mother & entrepreneur. Stacey is an Indiana native currently residing in Atlanta, Georgia with her husband and kids.

5 Proven Strategies to Avoid Holiday Weight Gain

Do you know what 40% of Americans DREAD about the holidays?

Gift shopping? Nope.

Traveling? Nope.

Seeing certain relatives? Well, maybe, but that’s not it either.

What 40% of Americans dread most about the holidays: WEIGHT GAIN.

Why? Because the weight gained during the holidays often becomes the unwanted, un-returnable gift that unfortunately kept on giving! Not losing the weight gained each holiday season and post-holiday period could result in steady weight gain year after year.

And I know that feeling of dread! A few years ago I gained 20 pounds because binged and ate to my heart’s content. I filled myself with too much eggnog, pies, cakes, nuts, and other calorie rich holiday foods.

Since then, I’ve learned to be a more mindful holiday eater.

Here are 5 simple, but proven, tips to help you avoid holiday weight gain:

Tip 1: Be Conscious of Calories. Compared to other times of the year, the amount of calories consumed during the winter holidays increases dramatically. Make no mistake about it, calories can add up unsuspectingly fast. Be mindful of what you drink too. There are lots of calories in eggnog and alcoholic drinks. Think about whether you would prefer to eat or drink your calories.

Tip 2: Plan and Scan at Holiday Parties. Be picky, picky, picky. Scan the buffet and fill your plate with foods that are simply prepared. If possible, sit down and take the time to taste and savor every bite. Resist the urge to go back for more by waiting at least 20 minutes for your brain to register that you are comfortably full. If you are still hungry, eat more vegetables and drink water.
If you must have dessert, practice the three-bite rule to keep your sweet tooth in check. Take a first taste, a satisfying middle one, and then a lingering third bite.

Tip 3: Manage Stress. You may find aspects of the holiday season hectic and stressful for any number of reasons. If someone is stressing you out, remove yourself from that individual and take deep breaths. Also, this may sound simple, but be sure to get 8 hours of sleep each night.

Tip 4: Keep Your Body Moving. Do not abandon your regular exercise routine during the holidays. Concentrate on consistently doing simple workouts. So what if you can’t get to your favorite yoga class or find time for the treadmill? Even just 15 minutes can help you maintain your fitness level and/or fight the extra indulgent treats you enjoyed. For example, jumping rope for 15 minutes torches about 190 calories and a quick yoga sequence at home can help you stay flexible.

Tip 5: Eat More Veggies & Fruits Everyday. Play with your food and look for ways to incorporate more veggies into your breakfast, lunch, and dinner meals! Eating low-energy dense foods such as veggies and fruit during the holidays (and beyond) will help create a sense of fullness, so you consume less calorie rich foods.

Research shows the feeling of fullness people experience after eating is more a function of the amount or volume of food consumed rather than the number of calories or grams of fat, carbohydrate or protein consumed. So you could eat a volume of calorie rich foods that don’t make you feel full, whereas eating a large volume of nutrient rich whole foods would make you feel satisfied. That is why you should use veggies and fruit to create a feeling of fullness or satiety at holiday parties.
This season you will ward off unwanted, unhealthy, un-returnable weight gain using these proven strategies. And, if you do splurge, don’t beat yourself up…just get right back to normal eating and exercising, and do a better job at the next party. Keep these tips in mind to make it through the holidays with ease.

About the Author:
Despite excelling professionally, Tosh struggled with being overweight and  was nearly 300 pounds. She is now know as The Healthinista, not because she's a size 4, but because she has lost 70 pounds and continues to strive forward. In addition to speaking engagements, Tosh facilitates corporate wellness workshops, business retreats, and individual coaching. Learn more about +Tosh Patterson at www.toshpatterson.com. Tosh will be joining us as a presenter for the 2014 Whole Woman Expo, April 13, 2014.

Holding On To Me: Life, Work, Family, Balance - 5 Tips

A few months ago, I drove to San Diego, CA on a Wednesday morning for my Global Leadership Program quarterly weekend meeting with Lisa Nichols and drove back home to Pasadena, CA on Sunday.   I spent two quality time days on the deck with my son creating memories. Then on Wednesday morning I flew to Dallas, Texas for a five-day business networking conference.

Do you feel like holding on to yourself as you juggle work, profession, life, family is getting harder?  Do you find yourself some days just whispering, “I wish I could just have a little time for myself?”

First, I honor and acknowledge each of you. Whether you’re a entrepreneur, wife, mompreneur, CEO… you rock! I honor the powerful choice that you’ve made.  I recognize that it is what fuels, inspires, and fulfills you.

How is it going for you?  Do you get that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you know you’ll miss the family gathering, parent conference or a planned event with your spouse/partner or a birthday because of work?  How do you quell the voices in your head and the chatter of self-doubt and selfishness?

Let me offer 5 tips that can soothe and honor the all aspects of you.

·       Understand your worth & significance:  At the core of all you do is your feminine energy.  This energy nourishes, creates, sustains, and ultimately is the fuel for everything you do.  When you honor you, you honor and replenish all the aspects of you. Your desires, dreams, and goals matter and are a significant part of your worth and value.  Know your worth is innate and nothing changes the value of what you bring to the table.

·         Expectations: Mine or Yours:  Too often we hear the voice of our mothers, friends and siblings whispering in our ears and allow that to determine what we do.  Whether it’s when you clean your house, how you parent your children, how many hours your work, take the time to get laser clarity on what your expectations are for yourself.

·         Create a “Me” Ritual:  What nourishes your soul and spirit?  Commit to your “me” ritual a minimum of once a week or at least twice a month.  Take a bubble bath. Walk through a museum.  Turn the music up loud and sing off key.  Read a chapter in your favorite novel.  Claim it as your ritual, put it on your schedule and then let others know.

·         Daily Spiritual Practice: Tapping Within: The energy you need to sustain your efforts and your spirit is something Bigger than yourself.  Tap into this daily just like plugging a light cord into a socket, plug into your Source, however you define it.  Meditate, pray, inspirational reading or music are just a few options but make it “your” go to practice.  Lastly,

·         Stay Connected:  Other like-minded heart centered women offer you support, resources, validation and laughter.  Making connections is the equivalent of a lifeline to sustain your success and goals. Networking, women’s groups, Meet Ups all prevent you from feeling alone as you achieve your goals.  Commit to twice a month staying connected as part of how you hold on to “you” in the midst of living your life.

In the end, holding on to you requires setting priorities, boundaries and recognizing your value demonstrated by making time to refuel and replenish. When we define our success as wholistic, we understand that we must honor all aspects of ourselves: finance, relationships, spiritual and health as necessary to hold on to ourselves.

Author: Jenenne Macklin, Wholistic Wealth Guide

Women who have woke up in the middle of their life wanting more: meaning & money, solutions & success, health & happy find clarity, courage and confidence in coaching with Jenenne.  Audiences are inspired to take the action to move beyond stuck to stand in their power, be fiscally responsible, and live a wholistic life. Whether its making a money mindset shift, creating success, getting happy first, Jenenne empowers women with tools and techniques and unique strategies to achieve their goals and stay accountable to their dreams. As a catalyst for transformation she empowers people to live their life out loud unapologetically and authentically. Visit her at www.jenennemacklin.com