10 Tips for Keeping Your Sanity While Raising Children

**As originally posted on www.doublethebatch.com**

Oh how I’m going to love writing this post. I, like so many moms have been through (oh wait, STILL going through) those crazy times where I feel like my world is turned upside down, or I’m falling into a black hole, or the day is never gonna end.  Can you relate to any of the following scenerios?:

-You feel like your nerves are fried and you can’t take anymore. You hide in the bathroom (possibly with chocolate) in the hopes of getting a chance to breathe (and inhale chocolate). Only instead what you get are the sounds of  small fists pounding and little fingers crawling under the door like a Steven King horror movie.

-You FINALLY get all the mistermeaners asleep only to find its now your own bedtime. Too tired to clean up the mess lying everywhere, you crawl into bed and fall asleep, only to be awakened by the same critters that caused the nightmare the night before! Its like Ground Hog Day over and over and over again!

-Your Spouse kisses you goodbye before going to work and you whisper in their ear, “TAKE ME WITH YOU!” They smile and walk out the door while you secretly wonder if you have time to slip into the trunk and sneak with them to the land of BIG human beaings who are toilet trained, use indoor voices, wipe their own mouths, and give you real money for your hard work.

’m tellin’ you, I’ve been there, done that and still have days like that. Everything I’m about to share is from what I learned from my own hair pulling, I feel like I’m drowning in kids, give me chocolate or die experiences. Hopefully these tips will help you as much as they have (and still are) helping me…

1. Study the stages. Sometimes children drive us nuts with behavior that we think is not normal. This behavior may just be part of a normal development stage. I can’t tell you how many times I was pulling my hair out wondering what was wrong with my child only to find after reading about their particular age, that how they were acting was completely normal.  When I got married, my mom gave me an invaluable reference book that I have loved.  There are so many good books and websites out there. This book was wonderful because it went into the most detail for each age which was is wonderful for those first 5 years when they are changing and developing so fast. For example, it’s normal for 2-4 yr olds to throw fits and yell and scream. They want so badly to be independent but haven’t learned quite how yet. It’s normal for 8-9 year olds to be crazy and silly all the time. Instead of reacting, educate yourself so you can know how to help your child in each stage they go through.

2. Take care of your health. You can’t draw water from an empty well. If you’re tired and unhealthy it’s gonna be hard to take car of (and have patience with!) another human being. I’m such a happier mom when I take time for me first. That may look different for each person. For me, it means getting enough exercise, eating healthy, getting 7-8 hrs of sleep, and making sure I have quiet time to myself each day.

3.  Always be a step ahead. My mom always woke up several hours before her children. That was her time to prepare for the day. By the time we woke up, she was ready for the onslaught! (There are 8 children in my family!)
Being prepared for what you think might happen cuts a little bit of chaos out of your day. For example, if you know your 18 month old is going to dump everything in sight, put things up higher. My baby LOVES to get in the toilet so I am always putting lids down and closing bathroom doors….ALL DAY. If you know your kids will have a melt down if plans for the day change, don’t inform them of the plan till you are IN.THE.CAR. When my kids go to school, their teachers are ready for them and have ‘hopefully’ made lesson plans ahead of time. I like to take time on Sunday evenings and go over the upcoming week and make a ‘game plan’ for my week. Obviously, I can never be 100% prepared for the onslaught of things that will happen with my kids every week. No mother plans to be on her hands and knees cleaning food of the floor that has been flung by the baby, or cleaning poop off the carpet (oh how I love potty training), or cleaning permanent marker off the walls, etc. but with all the unexpected that happens, planning ahead for the ‘expected’ makes motherhood just a little bit easier.

4. Practice more than you punish. I learned this lesson in my pre-mother years when I was a pre-school teacher. As human beings, we just learn better through experience. We can listen all we want, but the learning actually comes through experience. For example, I can tell my four year old till I’m blue in the face to pick up her clothes. Until she actually PRACTICES doing it it over and over and over again, she will probably continue to leave her clothes on the floor. When teaching my children something new, I have found the following 3 P’s to work wonderfully:
Prepare, Practice, Praise. Prepare them first by teaching them how to do a new skill or how to behave in a different environment (store, church, restaurant). Have them practice it themselves. Praise them for their effort. Repeat. If they do it wrong, talk about how they can do better and repeat the process over. When I had 3 children under the age of 5 I used to wonder why in the world I bothered to take them to church every week. It was just torture for everyone. They couldn’t sit still, they were loud, and My husband and I never hear a word of the talks given that hour. Why bother, right? But we continued, week, after week, and we kept teaching them, we gave them each separate bags with items for their different ages to help keep them quiet, and VERY SLOWLY they finally learned how to sit still in church. The same goes for us adults. One of my favorite quotes explains this perfectly:
“That which we persist in doing becomes easier to do, not that the nature of the thing has changed, but our power to do so is increased.”― Heber J. Grant

5. Learn to laugh. If you can’t beat em, join em! Children love nothing more than an adult who will dance, sing, laugh, and play with them. You are the eye of their storm. If you are happy, most likely they will be too! After playing with my 4 yr old one day, she said to me, “Mom, I like you.” My heart was full.

6. Remember life is short. Children grow oh so quickly. I love this quotes from one of my favorite talks entitled, Joy in the Journey by Thomas S. Monson:

“If you are still in the process of raising children, be aware that the tiny fingerprints that show up on almost every newly cleaned surface, the toys scattered about the house, the piles and piles of laundry to be tackled will disappear all too soon and that you will–to your surprise–miss them profoundly.”

7. Tidy up before retiring. I am a happier mom in the morning when I wake up to a clean house. No one wants to wake up to the leftovers of yesterday. It’s so tempting to go to bed and say you’ll tackle it in the morning, but trust me, when those munchkins batteries are fully charged and you try and start your day with an overflowing sink of dishes and clutter all over the floor, it can get depressing and frustrating fast. Clean slate, happy day is what I always say. Sometimes I have to set a timer for 30 min to motivate me. Then I just make a mad dash and do as much as I can. I tell myself when the timer goes off, the rest of the night is mine!

8. Take lots of pictures and or write about your crazy days. Stresses of today are usually comedy relief in the near future. I see pictures of my kids even a year ago and laugh at all we went through together. When they are older and have kids of their own, it will help to see their parents went through the same thing with them. When you walk into a room and see a disaster has happened while you were away, take a breath, and a picture while you’re at it. You’ll be grateful later. Here’s some of the “choice” moments at my home.

9. Get out of the house with or without your children. A change of scenery can do wonders when life gets hectic. Strap the kids in the car, and of for a drive, to the park, to grandma’s house, whatever it takes. Then, if you still need a breather, ask your husband or another relative or friend to watch your kids while you go out for some alone time. It works wonders every time!

10. Live in the now. It’s so easy to fall into the escape mechanisms. Parenting is hard and it’s so much easier to pull out an ipad or phone to escape dealing with a screaming child, or sit in the bathroom with a container of ice cream, or just let netflix babysit our kids. I have been there done that SO many times! When I realized my first child could sit through a movie and I could actually get something done it was like Heaven! I’m not saying these things aren’t good in there own ways and in moderation, but sometimes I have found myself wanting to ‘fast forward’ through difficult times instead of facing them head on. When I ‘disappear’ emotionally or mentally from my life and my kids, the problems don’t disappear, they only escalate. I am constantly reminding myself to live in the now. The ancient Roman philosopher Horace admonished,
“Whatever hour God has blessed you with, take it with grateful hand, nor postpone your joys from year to year, so that in whatever place you have been, you may say that you have lived happily.” (Finding Joy in the Journey)
Give your electronics a time out and your kids some quality time.

Oops, I know I said 10 tips but I absolutely must add 1 more. It is the most important in my life.

Pray for help!  I believe in my heart that God gave me my children to take care of. They are his children too, though, and I believe he helps me take care of them. Sometimes, we just need to plead for help. We don’t receive an owners manual at their birth, but I consider Him my owners manual. He knows them better than I do so why wouldn’t I turn to him? And if you feel that you can’t go another step, that you aren’t cracked up to be the parent you always hoped you would be, watch the following clip. It always gives me hope to keep moving on. Keep your head up and don’t give up! Your kids are counting on you!

Hi, I’m Katie. I love the smell of a newborn baby but not the sleep deprivation, to spend time with my kids and husband, and girl’s night out with my friends and sisters. I have the worlds worst sweet tooth, and have about 51 places where I rotate hiding my stash from my kids. I am the oldest of 8 children yet barely surviving having 4 of my own. Motherhood is teaching me my greatest lessons in life and the journey gets a little brighter the higher I climb. I have a lot of fun blogging with my sisters here at Double the Batch! www.doublethebatch.com

5 Tips to Get Through The Tough Mommy Moments

One of the greatest gifts God has given women is the opportunity to become a mother. A gift that brings life and helps to mold you into a better person. Although being a mother doesn't come with instructions, tools, tips or even a map, it teaches you how to create a priceless masterpiece. . Something to be proud of knowing you helped create a productive citizen in the world. 

When I was young I always dreamed of being a mother holding my percious baby in my arms someday. As I grew older I heard many stories from mothers telling me how horrible labor was, staying up all night with a newborn.. It affected the way I once felt about becoming a mom. Before I knew it, I was going to become a mother sooner than I expected...

Becoming a mother at eighteen was life changing for me. Growing up in a two parent home with strict rules and I couldn't date, hang out with friends, nothing. As the youngest of my brother and sister, my mom really treated me like the baby of the family. So when I turned sixteen, I lost my virginity to my son's father and became pregnant within that year. When I told my mother about the pregnancy it devastated her. She couldn't believe her babygirl was about to be a mom.. A woman now with real life responsibility...

As a family we managed to get through it which helped me get through the tough years of raising my son. He's now fifteen years old and a sophomore in high school and honor roll student. Although the turn out was good for me everyone's story isn't.. 

Here are five tips on getting through those tough moments as a Mother. ..

1.) Be open and honest about where you are. There are going to be days that have you feel less than a mom. When this takes place give yourself a timeout. Remote to a quiet place to breath, relax, and remove any negative thoughts. Most importantly, pray. 

2.)Get a serious prayer life going. No one knows your story, pain, or mistake but God. As a young mom thier were times I felt judged, but my mother helped me through those times. Seeking God's face daily structured my outlook as a mom.

3.)Join a mommy and me group. The goal is to travel the mom journey together with other moms. Its a place where you will be supported by and have fun with other moms and often get the children to socialize together. 

4.)Remove yourself from anything that will hinder your growth as a mom. As a young mother, my peers knew nothing about being a mom. I had to surround myself around other mothers who understood and had knowledge on motherhood. 

5.)Meditate and focus on your emotions. As mothers we have to get our feelings in check. The more postive our thoughts are the better moms we are.

Patrice Simmons is a Author, Writer, Motivational Speaker. .. Beginning her writing career in 2009, which lead to her first Co-Author book." Walk in your Purpose" along with writing her self published books.. "Moments" and "The Journey to finding you".. 

Firefighter- A Necessary Role in Marriage

“More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.” ~ Doug Larson

I will never forget that horrific day in August of 2000. I came home late morning/early afternoon from a babysitting job with every intention of taking a nap before I had to go to work. My younger sister was at home enjoying her last days before school started again. I honestly don’t remember what happened next, but what I do remember is telling my sister to call 911. I remember grabbing the fire extinguisher and squeezing and pulling the trigger to no avail. I remember scrambling for a bucket and running full speed from the bathroom to my sister’s bedroom trying to douse the growing fire. I remember (after the fact) feeling like the scene from the Little Rascals when they pass the bucket down the line and by the time they dump the bucket on the fire, it’s nothing but a few drops of water. I remember yelling to my sister to get out of the house and frantically looking for our cat to take her with us. I remember standing on the sidewalk watching helplessly in tears as the only home I’ve ever known was eaten alive in flames.

I remember the next days, weeks, and months being consumed with the horrible stench of smoke that was embedded in our clothes and what was left of our home. I remember the annoyance of itemizing and attempting to remember what was lost and what the value might be so the insurance company could pay us. I remember the nomadic moves from our 5 bedroom single family scorched and water damaged home to the 2 hotel rooms and the 2 bedroom apartment and the 3 bedroom townhome my family of five lived in. I remember the guilt of believing I should have prevented this grave inconvenience and tragedy for my whole family…..

Then I remember the day we were able to move back into our “new” home! As I entered the front door, I could see beautiful hardwood floors in the hall and stairway that were once covered by dark blue shag (yes, we still had shag in 2000) carpet. I saw modernized wallpaper in the dining room and a new found elegance in the living rooms. I saw brightly colored walls upstairs that brought a welcoming relaxing feeling. I saw built-in closets in my sisters and my rooms where stand-alone closets used to be. I saw a beautifully upgraded home that my parents talked about and dreamed about, but could not afford to do on their own. That wonderful day in May 2011, we started over. We were happier. We were a stronger family unit and full of optimism.

In marriage, you are guaranteed to have your own “fire” experiences. In these moments when you can justify giving up on your marriage…when you feel it’s impossible to fix…when you feel you can’t take anymore…remember you vowed “for better or for worse.” What if you knew you would live out a happier, stronger and more optimistic marriage after this trial? What if you knew by next year he would come around to get your finances on track? What if you waited another 60 days for that right mentor to help him finally understand how much you need that quality time? What if you waited those next three weeks for God to change his view on parenting and being more supportive around the home? What if you hadn’t cheated after you found out he did?  What if you vowed “for better AFTER worse?” 

We say we know the trials are coming, but we often choose to give up because we convince ourselves “I’ve done all I can do.” “That’s his problem.” “He’s never going to change.” “I deserve better.”

I want to encourage you to keep fighting your fire. If you are preparing for marriage, I want you to take the opportunity to prepare your mind and take an honest look at your values. In my experience, I saw the fire burn my house, but the structure was solid. I had to call for help, I had to shed some tears, I felt some pain, but our house still stood. Our house went through months of gutting out and restoration but in the end, all of that work produced a home that was better, higher in value and more appealing than the one that burned.

I want you to take a moment to be honest with yourself. Whether you are married, engaged or single, I want you to ask yourself these four things:


    1)     What is the real issue? If you separate the emotions, what is the “bare bones truth”              about what’s hurting your marriage? 
 
    2)        Have I asked for help?/Am I willing to ask for help?  Griping to your girlfriends                  just to vent and rehash the story is not productive. This will only feed the negative                 energy and emotions that you are feeling. Be sure to address your challenges with a             professional or a wise and seasoned confidante who will not just hear your issue, but             give you some practical views, insights and solutions, even if it means focusing on                 your own shortcomings.        


     3)      What is the change I want to see? Think about what would be different if this                       challenge went away right this instant. Think about how you would feel and how your             life would be affected. What is the part you play in creating that change?      


     4)      Was this preventable? Looking back, was there anything that either of you could                 have done to keep this fire from starting and how can you better “fireproof” your                     marriage for the future?

Marriage is intended to teach us about ourselves as well as each other as we grow. Trust that there will always be the “other side of through” and with truly unconditional love, you can take the heat. 

Kristin M. Young, “The Marriage Enthusiast” is the founder of Living The Vows-a marriage enhancement coaching organization, and Project Manager for Heal a Woman to Heal a Nation, Inc. She is committed to bringing joy to marriages and supporting women in their journeys to wholeness as individuals and in their marriages. you can find out more at www.livingthevows.com or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/LivingTheVows.

10 Tips to Make Your Blended Family Work For You

Blended Family Week: 10 Tips to Make Your Blended Family Work For You

BY: Stacey Taylor - 18 Sep '14 | Blended Families

***As originally posted on www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com***

Remember the Brady Bunch?  When the show came on it played that much too familiar song that went something like… “Here’s a story of a lovely lady… and a man named Brady … and that’s the way they ALL became the Brady Bunch… ” In that perfect square with that perfect house and all six kids coming together in harmony.

Every episode ended in a resolution to whatever problem went on for that day.  No matter what, the Brady’s worked it out didn’t they?

And so my fantasy perception of the blended family began.  Little did I know that REAL blended families come with problems and issues, and other parents, and extended family and non biological kids, etc.  After all, the Brady’s never seemed to worry about finances, custody, child support or bitter ex’s did they?  I never saw Marsha, Jan and Cindy’s real father.  They rarely even spoke of him or Peter, Greg and Bobby’s mother.  Were they dead?  Who knows.  What we know now is that blended families are a lot more complex than we ever imagined.

Almost 2,100 blended families form in the United States every day and 68% of re-marriages involve children from prior marriages according to TheBondedFamily.com

Blended families come with a lot of layers and its not gonna be a “Brady” experience for everyone. One of the main things that I think that should be the focus when families connect themselves together through marriage are the kids.  The children are going to be the only people in the whole situation who have no choice.  They don’t get to choose who their mom or dad marries.  They don’t get to choose the children that come along with that marriage.

When my husband and I chose to blend our families we were hoping it would be a piece of cake, but realized that we had to put in work.  All we were certain of is that we loved each other and that we wanted it to work.  My youngest son adapted pretty quickly to my new marriage and our new life in a different state and was comfortable from the beginning, but my oldest son…not so much.  For him it took awhile.  What we understand now is that younger children do adapt better in these situations.  Here are 3 of the steps that we took for our blended family.

Decide on what the child should call the new parent

I don’t think you should force a kid to call another man/woman by mom/dad.  If everyone is cool with it, then by all means make it happen.  We gave ours a choice.  One son calls my husband dad sometimes.  The other refers to him as dad, but calls him by his nickname that we all use.  Not a big issue for us.

Have a conversation with the child’s other parent

My husband and my sons father get along great.  I believe that is because they had a necessary conversation about discipline, respect and expectations for our son in the beginning.  They were on the same page so there was never any drama.  Allow the other parent to have some say so.  Discuss it and work it out no matter what.

Make your child understand that the new parent has authority

Sometimes as single parents we may tend to be a little more lenient on our kids.  Or maybe you are more strict.  When a new parent comes in some kids may think of them more as a friend/enemy but not as an authority figure.  Younger children adapt easier than older ones but if you let them know upfront the adjustment will be easier.

On the flipside of this blended family puzzle, after 10 years of marriage my husband’s 15 year old son came to live with us and that was another tricky situation, because he was definitely an older child.  When I agreed that he could come, I didn’t know how it would work out, but what I did know is that I love my husband and that I was going to do my best to make him feel comfortable and at home. Here are 7 more suggestions that we chose to do that helped him and could help you to make it through the transition into a blended family.

We never made him call me mom.

I never tried to be his mom.  I took care of him and exacted discipline as if he was my own yes, but never tried to take his mother’s place.  I think that’s a touchy issue for most kids and other parents as stated earlier.  Sometimes he called me mom and sometimes he called me Stacey and I was ok with whatever made him comfortable.

Give them their own space.

We did not make him share a room when he got here.  If you can, give them their own space. It has got to be hard to move from everything you know into a new place with different people.  A private space like their own room will give them a safe place to relax and adjust.

Lay down the rules on day one

When kids come from other households they are really coming from another culture or another way of doing things.  Make sure they understand what is acceptable and unacceptable in your household and do that from the start.

Allow them the time they need to adjust

Simple.  Give them time to adjust.  Don’t expect complete and total assimilation during those 1st few weeks/months.  Rome was not built in a day.  Time is essential.

Be patient

Nothing in life is perfect.  Expecting children to NEVER act out sometimes is delusional.  I don’t mean out of control behavior, but being allowed to express themselves emotionally.  Be patient and choose your battles.  Don’t make a big deal out of everything.

Never bad mouth the other parent

NEVER!  This will only breed resentment and hatred.  Also remember that no matter how you feel about the other parent the child loves that person.  Dont hurt them by allowing your mouth to spill out things that the child really has nothing to do with.

While trying to write this post, my stepson (only referring to him as that for the sake of this article.  He is my son) who is grown now and lives on his own, came over just to talk as he often does and I love that.  It lets me know that through everything that he appreciates and respects me.  I believe that in the end its all good.  My biological sons also love and show respect to my husband.  They also are grown now and all of them are respectable, well rounded young men.  I think we did good.  Either way if it can work out for me, then it can also work out for you.  If you can figure out what is going to work best for you and your family and keep everything in the best interest of your kids, you can’t go wrong.  All blended families differ much like a fingerprints, no two are exactly alike.  Remember that when taking anyone’s advice.  The important thing is to be a team and work together to eventually make the transition into a blended family a smoother one.

Stacey Taylor aka "The SistahChick" is the 40+ SuperChick behind TheSistahCafe.com, Sistah Buttah, and OurNaturalKids.ning.com. She is a writer, blogger and Social Media Maven with a passion for natural hair and her community. Through her online presence she promotes generational self acceptance for women & children alike. Since 2009 Stacey has used her blog to share her love for Atlanta's thriving social scene, natural hair and her successful life as a wife, mother & entrepreneur. Stacey is an Indiana native currently residing in Atlanta, Georgia with her husband and kids.