Smart Stepparenting

*As posted on www.focusonthefamily.com*

Parenting in stepfamilies is a two, three, or four-person (sometimes more!) dance. Parent-stepparent harmony is the crux of successful parenting within your home. The two most critical relationships in any stepfamily home are the marriage and the stepparent-stepchildren relationships.

The marriage must be strong to endure the many pressures that stepfamily couples face and provide the backbone to stepfamily stability. Almost as important is the stepparent-stepchildren relationship. The stepparent's role in the family is critical because it dramatically affects the level of stress in children. Less stress in children equals more harmony with stepparents; that in turn leads to more harmony in the marriage.

Many people assume incorrectly that stepparenting is the sole responsibility of the stepparent. This assumption pits husband and wife against one another when the stepparent flounders or upsets the children. On the contrary, stepparenting is a two-person task.

Biological parents and stepparents must work out roles that complement one another and play to each other's strengths. Just as in two-biological parent homes, parents and stepparents must be unified in goals and work together as a team. Stepparents who are struggling need biological parents who will step up to the plate.

Stepparents and biological parents do not function in a vacuum, isolated from one another. In fact, what is needed most is a working alliance between the parent and stepparent that helps to clarify the stepparent’s role. Smart stepparenting means planning and parenting together.

Rewards & Challenges

No one ever dreams of growing up and becoming a stepparent. It's just not part of our "and they lived happily ever after" fantasy. Nor does society teach us an effective stepparent role. We make it up as we go.

"I feel more like a maid than a mother."

But not all children feel negatively toward stepparents.

When I was four years old my father died, and two years later my mother met my stepdad. There were six of us kids to raise, plus he had three from his previous marriage. When they got married he helped her raise us and treated us like his very own kids. I never knew my father; Ted is the only real father I ever knew. Though we have had our ups and downs I would never trade him for any other father in the world. Stepdaughter

Please remember when the "going gets tough" that all the hard work and discomfort of stepparenting can pay off. It probably won't live up to the fantasy you have created, but it can be pretty good. Remember, there are both rewards and challenges; only determination will bring rewards.

Be Patient!

General stepfamily integration and bonding with a stepchild hardly ever happens as quickly as adults want it to. It just doesn't happen on their timetable. Stepfamily researcher James Bray discovered that stepfamilies don't begin to think or act like a family until the end of the second or third year.1 Furthermore, Patricia Papernow, author of the book Becoming a Stepfamily, discovered that it takes the average stepfamily seven years to integrate sufficiently to experience intimacy and authenticity in step relationships.2

Fast families can accomplish this in four years, if the children are young and the adults are intentional about bringing their family together. However, slow families, according to Papernow, can take nine or more years. In my experience, very few adults come into their stepfamily believing it will take this long. They want a quick, painless blending process. In fact, if they had known the journey would take so long, they might not have signed on in the first place.

So why does it take so long to combine a stepfamily and bond with a stepchild? Here are a few reasons:

• The stepfamily is filled with complex dynamics that take most adults by surprise.
• Family therapists have long recognized that divorce doesn't really end family life; it just reorganizes it. In effect, it spreads your family out over multiple households. Emotional and relational dynamics that preceded the divorce continue even though the family living arrangements have been restructured.
• Stepfamilies need to realize that all the people sharing a home with your children and stepchildren are part of your "expanded" family. Start counting, and the total number of people can be exasperating! Indeed, stepfamilies don't have a family tree, they have a family forest! This complex forest simply takes time to integrate.
• A seminar participant once asked me what he could have done differently to build a relationship with his stepdaughter. He described how he took his new 12-year-old stepdaughter out shopping and to get ice cream whenever possible. He asked her what activities she liked doing and then made sure they did them together. In his words, "I tried and tried, but she never warmed up to me, so I gave up."

Bewildered by the scenario, I asked for more information. He had become this girl's second stepfather after her mother divorced a second husband. The girl's biological father was uninvolved in her life, leaving a deep wound in her heart. Her first stepfather was aloof, distant and critical.

I suggested to the gentleman that, because of them, he had two strikes against him when he remarried her mother. But the real clincher came when I asked how long he had attempted to win his stepdaughter's heart. Three months. You see, he simply didn't take into consideration all that this girl had been through and how long it takes for step relationships to develop. His intentions were good. His actions were on target. He just wasn't patient enough.

Qualities of Effective Stepparents

The attitudes and expectations you carry either make bonding with a stepchild easier or more difficult. In addition, there are many factors that, in truth, have very little to do with you, and everything to do with the child and his or her other relationships and past.

Finding a map for your stepfamily journey means understanding the factors that make or break your place in the home. Keep reading to continue pulling the pieces together.

Enjoy the Relationship You Have Now

The cardinal rule for stepparent bonding is to let the children set the pace for their relationship with you.

• If they welcome or seek affection, then go for it.
• If they remain distant and cordial, honor that as well.
• If they follow your rules and respect your decisions, continue to assert your given authority.
• If they challenge your authority, find ways to live on borrowed power from the biological parent.

Effective stepparents know that building a connection with stepchildren takes time, yet they don't emphasize "deepening the bond" to the point that they miss the relationship they currently have. Learn to find the nuggets of good in the relationship you have now. Be patient and keep seeking to grow with your stepchildren, but don’t add too much pressure.

Have Realistic Expectations

Parents and stepparents tend to assume that children want a close, warm relationship with the stepparent. Biological parents want their children to be happy with their choice of mate, and stepparents assume they need to be someone special to the children. Kids say otherwise.

When asked how the stepparent role should be performed, parents and stepparents generally envision the role in similar ways. In one study, close to half of them said the ideal stepparent role should be one of "parent" as opposed to "stepparent" or "friend." In contrast, 40 percent of stepchildren identified "friend" as the ideal role. Far fewer children thought a "parent" role was ideal.3 "Parents" give hugs and expect obedience to their rules; "friends" offer support and encourage positive values in a child's life.

Stepparents need to learn to relax into their role and not expect too much of themselves. To expect too much is to set themselves up for disappointment and frustration. Biological parents also need to relax and let stepparents and stepchildren carve out their relationship.

James Bray discovered that most stepchildren in the early years of stepfamily life view the stepparent like a coach or camp counselor.4 Such people have limited authority with children and provide instruction, but they are not "parents." However, just because your stepchildren don't give you unsolicited hugs does not mean you don't have a decent relationship. Having stepchildren who talk to you only when they want something is not an indication that you are a poor stepparent. It represents where you are today. Relax and trust that the relationship will grow over time.

James Bray, Stepfamilies: Love, Marriage, and Parenting in the First Decade (New York: Broadway Books, 1998. ↩

Patricia Papernow, Becoming a Stepfamily: Patterns of Development in Remarried Families (New York: Gardner Press, 1993 ↩

Fine, M. (1997, Fall). The Role of the Stepparent: How Similar are the Views of Stepparents, Parents, and Stepchildren? Stepfamilies Quarterly [online]. Available: www.stepfam.org ↩

James Bray, (1998). Stepfamilies: Love, Marriage, and Parenting in the First Decade (New York: Broadway Books). ↩

Ron Deal is husband to Nan (since 1986) and proud father of Braden, Connor, and Brennan. Everything else is just details.
Ron is a marriage and family author, conference speaker, and therapist. His top selling books, online articles, and daily 60-second radio feature FamilyLife Blended (listen here) make him one of the most widely read and referenced authors on stepfamilies in the world. He is Founder and President of Smart Stepfamilies™ and Director of FamilyLife Blended™, the ministry initiative of FamilyLife® to stepfamilies (for more visitwww.RonDeal.org and www.FamilyLife.com). 

'What or Who Is Behind Your Decisions?'

originally featured on essence.com

A few weeks ago, I laid down to catch a quick nap. Immediately, my three-year-old niece crawled on to the bed and draped her little body across mine. As she rested her head on my back, I grabbed my phone and took my first selfie ever! The back of her head and those little pom-pom ponytails bring a smile to my face every time I see them.

Though I wanted to rest, I couldn’t—primarily because it is hard to drift off with nearly thirty pounds on your back and secondly because I didn’t want to make any moves that might hurt her. And, asking her to move wasn’t an option, because I know that one day she might not think “Mauntie” is the coolest thing since sliced bread or feel too grown to snuggle up with me.

As we lay there, her watching TV and me savoring the moment, I thought about the fact that there have been many times in my life when I wanted to throw in the proverbial towel and just quit. Sometimes I wanted to stop working hard and at others I wanted to quit doing the right thing and just do whatever I wanted. Most times, I made the right choice...most!

As I look back at the moments when I was able to falter, but not fall, I find that one of the things that helped me to make the best decision is the fact that I know there are people looking up to me.

Regardless of who you are, your life makes a difference to someone. There will be times when people only believe in something more or different, because of your example. While we never want to be the source of someone’s faith, we must take responsibility for the influence we wield. There are moments when we may want to do what is least painful, or easiest, on our emotions—even when it isn’t for the best. When we face those turning points, we must factor a few things into our decision-making:

1. Identifying the Real Problem: Failure to acknowledge the “real” problem only makes matters worse. My client Georgia once called me in literal tears over her affair with a married man. Besides operating outside of her own character, the affair was only compounding her root issue—the loneliness that led her into it! We want to take actions that move us in a forward direction. Sometimes we get frustrated because life doesn’t change, but the real problem is that we haven’t made different types of decisions.

2. Identifying Our Standards: When we know our standards, certain behaviors, relationships and decisions cease to be an option. Sometimes we feel overwhelmed by the emotions of the moment because we root our decisions in our feelings, not in the concrete of what we are looking for or expect from life.

3. Identifying the Exchange: In order to get one thing, we have to give up another. When we choose a path in life, we close the door or limit the options another path may have offered. All actions and decisions have consequences. We must make sure that whatever we get is worth what we will give up. Otherwise, we’ll be angry and regretful.

Do Your Work: Whether it is purchasing a new appliance or taking a new job, the pros and cons list works wonders. Spend time on your list today. Let me help you make decisions to win, visitcoachfelicia.com/coaching-session to qualify for a free laser session valued at $397.

Define Your Wealth: Affirm out loud, “I choose the road of wisdom and character everyday!”

About the  Author: Named the “North America’s Next Greatest Speaker” by eWomenNetwork, Coach Felicia is a Certified Empowerment Coach™ who empowers her clients to "Turn their Worth into Wealth" as she partners with them to DISCOVER their WORTH, DO the WORK and DEFINE their WEALTH. Get more insight, download the FREE “8 Choices Winners Must Make” seminar MP3 on her website.

5 min read How to Manage Time With 10 Tips That Work

*As originally posted on http://www.entrepreneur.com*

By:Joe Mathews, Don Debolt and Deb Percival

Chances are good that, at some time in your life, you've taken a time management class, read about it in books, and tried to use an electronic or paper-based day planner to organize, prioritize and schedule your day. "Why, with this knowledge and these gadgets," you may ask, "do I still feel like I can't get everything done I need to?"

The answer is simple. Everything you ever learned about managing time is a complete waste of time because it doesn't work.

Before you can even begin to manage time, you must learn what time is. A dictionary defines time as "the point or period at which things occur." Put simply, time is when stuff happens.

There are two types of time: clock time and real time. In clock time, there are 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, 24 hours in a day and 365 days in a year. All time passes equally. When someone turns 50, they are exactly 50 years old, no more or no less.

In real time, all time is relative. Time flies or drags depending on what you're doing. Two hours at the department of motor vehicles can feel like 12 years. And yet our 12-year-old children seem to have grown up in only two hours.

Which time describes the world in which you really live, real time or clock time?

The reason time management gadgets and systems don't work is that these systems are designed to manage clock time. Clock time is irrelevant. You don't live in or even have access to clock time. You live in real time, a world in which all time flies when you are having fun or drags when you are doing your taxes.

The good news is that real time is mental. It exists between your ears. You create it. Anything you create, you can manage. It's time to remove any self-sabotage or self-limitation you have around "not having enough time," or today not being "the right time" to start a business or manage your current business properly.

There are only three ways to spend time: thoughts, conversations and actions. Regardless of the type of business you own, your work will be composed of those three items.

As an entrepreneur, you may be frequently interrupted or pulled in different directions. While you cannot eliminate interruptions, you do get a say on how much time you will spend on them and how much time you will spend on the thoughts, conversations and actions that will lead you to success. 

Practice the following techniques to become the master of your own time:

1. Carry a schedule and record all your thoughts, conversations and activities for a week. This will help you understand how much you can get done during the course of a day and where your precious moments are going. You'll see how much time is actually spent producing results and how much time is wasted on unproductive thoughts, conversations and actions.
2. Any activity or conversation that's important to your success should have a time assigned to it. To-do lists get longer and longer to the point where they're unworkable. Appointment books work. Schedule appointments with yourself and create time blocks for high-priority thoughts, conversations, and actions. Schedule when they will begin and end. Have the discipline to keep these appointments.
3. Plan to spend at least 50 percent of your time engaged in the thoughts, activities and conversations that produce most of your results.
4. Schedule time for interruptions. Plan time to be pulled away from what you're doing. Take, for instance, the concept of having "office hours." Isn't "office hours" another way of saying "planned interruptions?"
5. Take the first 30 minutes of every day to plan your day. Don't start your day until you complete your time plan. The most important time of your day is the time you schedule to schedule time.
6. Take five minutes before every call and task to decide what result you want to attain. This will help you know what success looks like before you start. And it will also slow time down. Take five minutes after each call and activity to determine whether your desired result was achieved. If not, what was missing? How do you put what's missing in your next call or activity?
7. Put up a "Do not disturb" sign when you absolutely have to get work done.
8. Practice not answering the phone just because it's ringing and e-mails just because they show up. Disconnect instant messaging. Don't instantly give people your attention unless it's absolutely crucial in your business to offer an immediate human response. Instead, schedule a time to answer email and return phone calls.
9. Block out other distractions like Facebook and other forms of social media unless you use these tools to generate business.
10. Remember that it's impossible to get everything done. Also remember that odds are good that 20 percent of your thoughts, conversations and activities produce 80 percent of your results.

4 STEPS TO CREATING THE ULTIMATE VISION FOR YOUR LIFE

**As originally posted on tonyrobbins.com**



The one trait that all successful, fulfilled people cultivate—be they great writers, teachers, artists, parents, politicians or athletes—is a passion and enthusiasm for life. We all need a compelling vision for our lives: one so powerful that we are driven to do whatever it takes to achieve it.

When we pursue something greater than the current moment, we find fulfillment and joy. The ultimate vision flows from knowing we have a special and unique purpose on this planet. So, how do you create this ultimate vision? Go to an environment that inspires you and where you won’t be interrupted (e.g. the beach, a park, an art museum), and take these steps:


Step 1: Write a paragraph or two answering following questions: What do you want to create for your life? If all of a sudden you had the energy again like you were a little kid and the journey had just begun, what would you be excited to tackle? What would get you up early and keep you up late at night? What would your life be about? What does that vision look like? If you had no fear about moving forward, what would you do in your life? What challenges might you be excited to overcome? What do you want to contribute to your own life and the lives of others? What do you want to give, create, be, feel or share?

                                                                                                                                                        
Step 2: Make sure this vision is emotionally charged, with the power to move you to action: Your vision will provide a consistent focus, continually reminding you what it is you are committed to creating in your life, career or business.

Step 3: Add specifics: Your vision should provide some detail about what measurable results you are going to achieve in your life. This yardstick will help you assess where you are versus where you want to be.

Step 4: Don’t try to make your description perfect You aren’t writing for the Pulitzer Prize—you’re writing to create something that excites you! Try drawing or cutting out pictures that inspire you or that describe your vision. Or choose a song that becomes your theme song for your life. Get creative, as there is no right or wrong way to describe your ultimate vision.

Need more tools and strategies for finding your vision—and having that drive what you do each day? Visit //www.tonyrobbins.com/more-time.

35 Tips to Make This Your Best Year Yet

*As originally posted on www.robinsharma.com*

35 Fast Tips to Make This Your Best Year Yet

I’m sitting on an airplane thinking about what the best performers and most successful people do to continually outperform everyone around them.

As we enter what I hope will be the single best year of your life yet, I’ve come up with 35 Tips that I invite you to concentrate on. Share these tips, reflect on then, post them where you can see them – and allow them to infuse your mindset:

1. Remember that the quality of your life is determined by the quality of your thoughts.
2. Keep the promises you make to others – and to yourself.
3. The project that most scares you is the project you need to do first.
4. Small daily improvements are the key to staggering long-term results.
5. Stop being busy being busy. This New Year, clean out the distractions from your work+life and devote to a monomaniacal focus on the few things that matter.
6. Read “The War of Art”.
7. Watch “The Fighter”.
8. In a world where technology is causing some of us to forget how to act human, become the politest person you know.
9. Remember that all great ideas were first ridiculed.
10. Remember that critics are dreamers gone scared.
11. Be “Apple-Like” in your obsession with getting the details right.
12. Take 60 minutes every weekend to craft a blueprint for the coming seven days. As Saul Bellow once said: “A plan relieves you of the torment of choice.”
13. Release your need to be liked this New Year. You can’t be a visionary if you long to be liked.
14. Disrupt or be disrupted.
15. Hire a personal trainer to get you into the best shape of your life. Superstars focus on the value they receive versus the cost of the service.
16. Give your teammates, customers and family one of the greatest gifts of all: the gift of your attention (and presence).
17. Every morning ask yourself: “How may I best serve the most people?”
18. Every night ask yourself: “What 5 good things happened to me this day?”
19. Don’t waste your most valuable hours (the morning) doing low value work.
20. Leave every project you touch at work better than you found it.
21. Your job is not just to work. Your job is to leave a trail of leaders behind you.
22. A job is not “just a job”. Every job is a gorgeous vehicle to express your gifts and talents – and to model exceptionalism for all around you.
23. Fears unfaced become your limits.
24. Get up at 5 am and take 60 minutes to prepare your mind, body, emotions and spirit to be remarkable during the hours that follow. Being a superstar is not the domain of the gifted but the prepared.
25. Write love letters to your family.
26. Smile at strangers.
27. Drink more water.
28. Keep a journal. Your life’s story is worth recording.
29. Do more than you’re paid to do and do work that leaves your teammates breathless.
30. Leave your ego at the door every morning.
31. Set 5 daily goals every morning. These small wins will lead to nearly 2000 little victories by the end of the year.
32. Say “please” and “thank you”.
33. Remember the secret to happiness is doing work that matters and being an instrument of service.
34. Don’t be the richest person in the graveyard. Health is wealth.
35. Life’s short. The greatest risk is risk-less living. And settling for average.

I genuinely wish you the best year of your life.

Stay Great.

All green lights.

- See more at: http://www.robinsharma.com/blog/01/35-fast-tips-to-make-this-your-best-year-yet/#sthash.jsV7yzbc.dpuf

Robin Sharma is the globally celebrated author of 15 international bestselling books on leadership including The Leader Who Had No Title, the phenomenal #1 blockbuster that is inspiring a movement around the idea that “Now, anyone - in any organization - can show Leadership”. His work has been published in over 62 countries and in nearly 75 languages, making him one of the most widely read authors in the world. He shot to fame with The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari, which has topped international bestseller lists and sold over 4,000,000 copies. Robin is the founder of Sharma Leadership International Inc., a training firm with only one focus: helping people in organizations Lead Without a Title. Clients comprise of many of the FORTUNE 500 including Microsoft, GE, NIKE, FedEx and IBM. Organizations such as NASA, IMD Business School, Yale University and The Young President's Organization are also SLI clients. Robin is a former litigation lawyer who holds two law degrees including a Masters of Law (Dalhousie Law School).

8 Subconscious Behaviors That Are Keeping You From Having The Life You Want

**As originally posted on soulanatomy.org** 

Every generation has a “monoculture” of sorts, a governing pattern or system of beliefs that people unconsciously accept as “truth.”

It’s easy to identify the monoculture of Germany in the 1930s, or America in 1776. It’s clear what people at those times, in those places, accepted to be “good” and “true” even when in reality, that was certainly not always the case.

The objectivity required to see the effects of present monoculture is very difficult to maintain (once you have so deeply accepted an idea as ‘truth’ it doesn’t register as ‘cultural’ or ‘subjective’ anymore) … but it’s crucial.

So much of our inner turmoil is simply the result of conducting a life we don’t inherently agree with, because we have accepted an inner narrative of “normal” and “ideal” without ever realizing.

The fundamentals of any given monoculture tend to surround how to live your best life, how to live a better life, and what’s most worth living for (nation, religion, self, etc.) and there are a number of ways in which our current system has us shooting ourselves in the feet as we try to step forward. Simply, there are a few fundamentals on happiness, decision making, instinct following and peace finding that we don’t seem to understand.

So here, eight of the daily behaviors and unconscious habits that are keeping you from the life you really want.

1. You believe that creating your best possible life is a matter of deciding what you want and then going after it, but in reality, you are psychologicallyincapable of being able to predict what will make you happy. Your brain can only perceive what it’s known, so when you choose what you want for the future, you’re actually just re-creating a solution or an ideal of the past. Ironically, when said ideas don’t come to fruition (things never look the way we think they will) you suffer, because you think you’ve failed, when really, you’re most likely experiencing something better than you could have chosen for yourself at the time. (Moral of the story: Living in the moment isn’t a lofty ideal reserved for the zen and enlightened, it’s the only way to live a life that isn’t infiltrated with illusions… it’s the only thing your brain can actually comprehend.)

2. You extrapolate the present moment because you believe that success is somewhere you “arrive,” so you are constantly trying to take a snapshot of your life and see if you can be happy yet.  You accidentally convince yourself that any given moment is your life, when in reality, it is a moment in your life. Because we’re wired to believe that success is somewhere we get to – when goals are accomplished and things are completed – we’re constantly measuring our present moments by how “finished” they are, how good the story sounds, how someone else would judge the summary. (If at any point you find yourself thinking: “is this all there is?” you’re forgetting that everything is transitory. There is nowhere to “arrive” at. The only thing you’re rushing toward is death. Accomplishing goals is not success. How much you learn and enjoy and expand in the process of doing them is.)

3. You assume that when it comes to following your “gut instincts,” happiness is “good,” and fear and pain is “bad.” When you consider doing something that you truly love and are invested in, you are going to feel an influx of fear and pain, mostly because it will involve being vulnerable. When it comes to making decisions, you have to know that bad feelings are not deterrents. They are indicators that you want to do something, but it scares you (which are the things most worth doing, if you ask me). Not wanting to do something would make you feel indifferent about it. Fear = interest. 

4. You needlessly create problems and crises in your life because you’re afraid of actually living it. The pattern of unnecessarily creating crisis in your life is actually an avoidance technique. It distracts you from actually having to be vulnerable or held accountable or whatever it is you’re afraid of. You’re never upset for the reason you think you are: at the core of your desire to create a problem is simply the fear of being who you are, and living the life you want.

5. You think that to change your beliefs, you have to adopt a new line of thinking, rather than seek experiences that make that thinking self-evident. A belief is what you know to be true because experience has made it evident to you. If you want to change your life, change your beliefs. If you want to change your beliefs, go out and have experiences that make them real to you. Not the opposite way around.

6. You think “problems” are road blocks to achieving what you want, when in reality, they are pathways.If you haven’t heard it before, Marcus Aurelius sums this up well: “The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.” Ryan Holiday explains it with even greater grace and economy: “The obstacle is the way.” Simply, running into a “problem” forces you to take action to resolve it. That action leads you down the path you had ultimately intended to go anyway, as the only “problems” in your life ultimately come down to how you resist who you are and how your life naturally unfolds.

7. You think your past defines you, and worse, you think that it is an unchangeable reality, when really, your perception of it changes as you do.  Because experience is always multi-dimensional, there are a variety of memories, experiences, feelings, “gists” you can choose to recall… and what you choose is indicative of your present state of mind. So many people get caught up in allowing the past to define them, or haunt them, simply because they have not evolved to the place of seeing how the past did not prevent them from achieving the life they want… it facilitated it (see: the obstacle is the way). This doesn’t mean to disregard or gloss over painful or traumatic events, but simply to be able to recall them with acceptance and to be able to place them in the storyline of your personal evolution.

8. You try to change other people, situations and things (or you just complain/get upset about them) when anger = self-recognition. Most negative emotional reactions are you identifying a disassociated aspect of yourself. Your “shadow selves” are the parts of you that, at some point, you were conditioned to believe were “not okay,” so you suppressed them and have done everything in your power not to acknowledge them. You don’t actually dislike these parts of yourself, though, you absolutely love them. So when you see somebody else displaying one of these traits, it absolutely infuriates you, not because you inherently dislike it, but because you have to fight your desire to fully integrate it into your whole consciousness. The things you love about others are the things you love about yourself. The things you hate about others are the things you cannot see in yourself.

Photography: Nathan Congleton

Author- Brianna Wiest

Drama is Optional

**As originally posted on www.Iyanla.com Monday Matters blog November 19, 2012***

Human beings, particularly those of us with a deep attachment to the ego, the voice of separation, have a tendency to be very dramatic. When our backs are up against the wall; when we are being stretched or pruned or corrected by the circumstances of life rather than knowing and believing that things are working together for our good, we more often than not immediately assume that we are in grave danger of extinction.

When I think back to the most challenging experiences of my life, those moments when everything I thought I knew and believed were being tested, I must admit that the greatest difficulty I encountered was trying to control the rampant thoughts that seized my mind.

I now recognize that in those most difficult moments  my thinking became resistant, fearful and dramatic. I conjured up my own suffering. I lost faith and trust in all that I knew to be true.

Feeling sorry for myself, blaming others, not wanting to go through the trials of whatever the situation was at the time, I expected the worst and more often than not, that is what I got – – the worst possible scenario I could imagine. And, since it was in my mind, I experienced it in my life. It seemed real. It felt real.

It was a very dramatic manifestation of my own thinking.

There are certain life experiences like death or separation from a loved one that engender fear or sorrow. A challenge to one’s health or physical well being can also be frightening and will give rise to resistance. Things like the lack of funds to provide for your basic needs or hurt, harm or danger to your children render you helpless and desperate.

In these moments and for countless others it is very human and almost expected that the most dominant thought will lead the mind to the worst possible outcome rather than the greater possibility.

As humans, when we cannot see the end or control the events, we immediately assume that something horrible, painful and tragic will befall us. Lack of vision and control are sure to trigger the drama response.

In other situations, when something we do not want nor like or have not planned for presents itself as a life experience, we reach out for the support and input of others. Unfortunately, we often lure them into our experience by embellishing the worst parts of the story and refusing to entertain anything other than what we believe is happening, can happen or will happen to cause more dramatic suffering.

This kind of drama, like an infection, spreads quickly not just to all the cells in our body but to the people and other situations in our lives.

My experience has been that the more dramatic my responses to any experience, the faster and more widespread is the infection in other areas of my life. When I do not make a swift and serious effort to calm myself, focus my thoughts and eliminate the fear, I have run the risk of having the small manageable infection grow into a rip roaring plague!

What I have come to know and believe it that at all times, in all situations and under all circumstances, my only job and often the most difficult task I face is to trust in the goodness of God and to make myself available to God’s love and voice.

I often say that if God is the Alpha (Beginning) and the Omega (the End), then the middle is already covered by the presence of God.

Initially knowing this does not make hearing difficult news or facing a frightening situation easy. However, learning to lean into God’s presence rather than chasing my own thoughts has proven to save time and subdue the drama that is created when I think I am on my own.

A dramatic, fear-based, resistant response to life’s circumstances is a function of a broken line of communication with the Creator of my life.

Insisting that things must be the way I want them to be, believing that I can somehow control life and how it unfolds, avoiding the unpleasant moments, the testing situations and the inevitabilities of life will always result in a dramatic plague that I have to clean up.

Drama calls for a villain and a victim, conflict and control, a winner and a loser. Most dramas make really great entertainment but they can also limit the spiritual growth and healing possibilities for those involved.

Every life has difficult moments just as many stories have tragic elements. What makes a really good and dramatic story may not necessarily have an ending that promotes truth and faith or trust in the Divine Potential of the Human Spirit.

As human beings, we must all face tests that make us stronger, even when the tests make no sense to us. We are not going to feel prepared for the situations that we face. Surely it seems that some of us get more than our fair share of challenges, tests and difficulties.

None of this changes the truth that right where I am, the fulness of God is making drama optional to this depth of trust and knowing.

If, in the quiet times, the calm before the storm, I spend more time in connection and communion with the Commanding Officer of my life, the battles will seem less deadly and more purposeful.

Moving into a new year, a new time of possibility and opportunity, I am committed to make my life adrama free zone. This means that I will need to train my mind to seek first the lesson, learning and healing available by sending my ego to the corner when a challenge first shows its face. Not an easy task for sure but I have walked through enough plagues in my life to make me willing to do a new thing.  How about you?