'What or Who Is Behind Your Decisions?'

originally featured on essence.com

A few weeks ago, I laid down to catch a quick nap. Immediately, my three-year-old niece crawled on to the bed and draped her little body across mine. As she rested her head on my back, I grabbed my phone and took my first selfie ever! The back of her head and those little pom-pom ponytails bring a smile to my face every time I see them.

Though I wanted to rest, I couldn’t—primarily because it is hard to drift off with nearly thirty pounds on your back and secondly because I didn’t want to make any moves that might hurt her. And, asking her to move wasn’t an option, because I know that one day she might not think “Mauntie” is the coolest thing since sliced bread or feel too grown to snuggle up with me.

As we lay there, her watching TV and me savoring the moment, I thought about the fact that there have been many times in my life when I wanted to throw in the proverbial towel and just quit. Sometimes I wanted to stop working hard and at others I wanted to quit doing the right thing and just do whatever I wanted. Most times, I made the right choice...most!

As I look back at the moments when I was able to falter, but not fall, I find that one of the things that helped me to make the best decision is the fact that I know there are people looking up to me.

Regardless of who you are, your life makes a difference to someone. There will be times when people only believe in something more or different, because of your example. While we never want to be the source of someone’s faith, we must take responsibility for the influence we wield. There are moments when we may want to do what is least painful, or easiest, on our emotions—even when it isn’t for the best. When we face those turning points, we must factor a few things into our decision-making:

1. Identifying the Real Problem: Failure to acknowledge the “real” problem only makes matters worse. My client Georgia once called me in literal tears over her affair with a married man. Besides operating outside of her own character, the affair was only compounding her root issue—the loneliness that led her into it! We want to take actions that move us in a forward direction. Sometimes we get frustrated because life doesn’t change, but the real problem is that we haven’t made different types of decisions.

2. Identifying Our Standards: When we know our standards, certain behaviors, relationships and decisions cease to be an option. Sometimes we feel overwhelmed by the emotions of the moment because we root our decisions in our feelings, not in the concrete of what we are looking for or expect from life.

3. Identifying the Exchange: In order to get one thing, we have to give up another. When we choose a path in life, we close the door or limit the options another path may have offered. All actions and decisions have consequences. We must make sure that whatever we get is worth what we will give up. Otherwise, we’ll be angry and regretful.

Do Your Work: Whether it is purchasing a new appliance or taking a new job, the pros and cons list works wonders. Spend time on your list today. Let me help you make decisions to win, visitcoachfelicia.com/coaching-session to qualify for a free laser session valued at $397.

Define Your Wealth: Affirm out loud, “I choose the road of wisdom and character everyday!”

About the  Author: Named the “North America’s Next Greatest Speaker” by eWomenNetwork, Coach Felicia is a Certified Empowerment Coach™ who empowers her clients to "Turn their Worth into Wealth" as she partners with them to DISCOVER their WORTH, DO the WORK and DEFINE their WEALTH. Get more insight, download the FREE “8 Choices Winners Must Make” seminar MP3 on her website.

Drama is Optional

**As originally posted on www.Iyanla.com Monday Matters blog November 19, 2012***

Human beings, particularly those of us with a deep attachment to the ego, the voice of separation, have a tendency to be very dramatic. When our backs are up against the wall; when we are being stretched or pruned or corrected by the circumstances of life rather than knowing and believing that things are working together for our good, we more often than not immediately assume that we are in grave danger of extinction.

When I think back to the most challenging experiences of my life, those moments when everything I thought I knew and believed were being tested, I must admit that the greatest difficulty I encountered was trying to control the rampant thoughts that seized my mind.

I now recognize that in those most difficult moments  my thinking became resistant, fearful and dramatic. I conjured up my own suffering. I lost faith and trust in all that I knew to be true.

Feeling sorry for myself, blaming others, not wanting to go through the trials of whatever the situation was at the time, I expected the worst and more often than not, that is what I got – – the worst possible scenario I could imagine. And, since it was in my mind, I experienced it in my life. It seemed real. It felt real.

It was a very dramatic manifestation of my own thinking.

There are certain life experiences like death or separation from a loved one that engender fear or sorrow. A challenge to one’s health or physical well being can also be frightening and will give rise to resistance. Things like the lack of funds to provide for your basic needs or hurt, harm or danger to your children render you helpless and desperate.

In these moments and for countless others it is very human and almost expected that the most dominant thought will lead the mind to the worst possible outcome rather than the greater possibility.

As humans, when we cannot see the end or control the events, we immediately assume that something horrible, painful and tragic will befall us. Lack of vision and control are sure to trigger the drama response.

In other situations, when something we do not want nor like or have not planned for presents itself as a life experience, we reach out for the support and input of others. Unfortunately, we often lure them into our experience by embellishing the worst parts of the story and refusing to entertain anything other than what we believe is happening, can happen or will happen to cause more dramatic suffering.

This kind of drama, like an infection, spreads quickly not just to all the cells in our body but to the people and other situations in our lives.

My experience has been that the more dramatic my responses to any experience, the faster and more widespread is the infection in other areas of my life. When I do not make a swift and serious effort to calm myself, focus my thoughts and eliminate the fear, I have run the risk of having the small manageable infection grow into a rip roaring plague!

What I have come to know and believe it that at all times, in all situations and under all circumstances, my only job and often the most difficult task I face is to trust in the goodness of God and to make myself available to God’s love and voice.

I often say that if God is the Alpha (Beginning) and the Omega (the End), then the middle is already covered by the presence of God.

Initially knowing this does not make hearing difficult news or facing a frightening situation easy. However, learning to lean into God’s presence rather than chasing my own thoughts has proven to save time and subdue the drama that is created when I think I am on my own.

A dramatic, fear-based, resistant response to life’s circumstances is a function of a broken line of communication with the Creator of my life.

Insisting that things must be the way I want them to be, believing that I can somehow control life and how it unfolds, avoiding the unpleasant moments, the testing situations and the inevitabilities of life will always result in a dramatic plague that I have to clean up.

Drama calls for a villain and a victim, conflict and control, a winner and a loser. Most dramas make really great entertainment but they can also limit the spiritual growth and healing possibilities for those involved.

Every life has difficult moments just as many stories have tragic elements. What makes a really good and dramatic story may not necessarily have an ending that promotes truth and faith or trust in the Divine Potential of the Human Spirit.

As human beings, we must all face tests that make us stronger, even when the tests make no sense to us. We are not going to feel prepared for the situations that we face. Surely it seems that some of us get more than our fair share of challenges, tests and difficulties.

None of this changes the truth that right where I am, the fulness of God is making drama optional to this depth of trust and knowing.

If, in the quiet times, the calm before the storm, I spend more time in connection and communion with the Commanding Officer of my life, the battles will seem less deadly and more purposeful.

Moving into a new year, a new time of possibility and opportunity, I am committed to make my life adrama free zone. This means that I will need to train my mind to seek first the lesson, learning and healing available by sending my ego to the corner when a challenge first shows its face. Not an easy task for sure but I have walked through enough plagues in my life to make me willing to do a new thing.  How about you?