8 Subconscious Behaviors That Are Keeping You From Having The Life You Want

**As originally posted on soulanatomy.org** 

Every generation has a “monoculture” of sorts, a governing pattern or system of beliefs that people unconsciously accept as “truth.”

It’s easy to identify the monoculture of Germany in the 1930s, or America in 1776. It’s clear what people at those times, in those places, accepted to be “good” and “true” even when in reality, that was certainly not always the case.

The objectivity required to see the effects of present monoculture is very difficult to maintain (once you have so deeply accepted an idea as ‘truth’ it doesn’t register as ‘cultural’ or ‘subjective’ anymore) … but it’s crucial.

So much of our inner turmoil is simply the result of conducting a life we don’t inherently agree with, because we have accepted an inner narrative of “normal” and “ideal” without ever realizing.

The fundamentals of any given monoculture tend to surround how to live your best life, how to live a better life, and what’s most worth living for (nation, religion, self, etc.) and there are a number of ways in which our current system has us shooting ourselves in the feet as we try to step forward. Simply, there are a few fundamentals on happiness, decision making, instinct following and peace finding that we don’t seem to understand.

So here, eight of the daily behaviors and unconscious habits that are keeping you from the life you really want.

1. You believe that creating your best possible life is a matter of deciding what you want and then going after it, but in reality, you are psychologicallyincapable of being able to predict what will make you happy. Your brain can only perceive what it’s known, so when you choose what you want for the future, you’re actually just re-creating a solution or an ideal of the past. Ironically, when said ideas don’t come to fruition (things never look the way we think they will) you suffer, because you think you’ve failed, when really, you’re most likely experiencing something better than you could have chosen for yourself at the time. (Moral of the story: Living in the moment isn’t a lofty ideal reserved for the zen and enlightened, it’s the only way to live a life that isn’t infiltrated with illusions… it’s the only thing your brain can actually comprehend.)

2. You extrapolate the present moment because you believe that success is somewhere you “arrive,” so you are constantly trying to take a snapshot of your life and see if you can be happy yet.  You accidentally convince yourself that any given moment is your life, when in reality, it is a moment in your life. Because we’re wired to believe that success is somewhere we get to – when goals are accomplished and things are completed – we’re constantly measuring our present moments by how “finished” they are, how good the story sounds, how someone else would judge the summary. (If at any point you find yourself thinking: “is this all there is?” you’re forgetting that everything is transitory. There is nowhere to “arrive” at. The only thing you’re rushing toward is death. Accomplishing goals is not success. How much you learn and enjoy and expand in the process of doing them is.)

3. You assume that when it comes to following your “gut instincts,” happiness is “good,” and fear and pain is “bad.” When you consider doing something that you truly love and are invested in, you are going to feel an influx of fear and pain, mostly because it will involve being vulnerable. When it comes to making decisions, you have to know that bad feelings are not deterrents. They are indicators that you want to do something, but it scares you (which are the things most worth doing, if you ask me). Not wanting to do something would make you feel indifferent about it. Fear = interest. 

4. You needlessly create problems and crises in your life because you’re afraid of actually living it. The pattern of unnecessarily creating crisis in your life is actually an avoidance technique. It distracts you from actually having to be vulnerable or held accountable or whatever it is you’re afraid of. You’re never upset for the reason you think you are: at the core of your desire to create a problem is simply the fear of being who you are, and living the life you want.

5. You think that to change your beliefs, you have to adopt a new line of thinking, rather than seek experiences that make that thinking self-evident. A belief is what you know to be true because experience has made it evident to you. If you want to change your life, change your beliefs. If you want to change your beliefs, go out and have experiences that make them real to you. Not the opposite way around.

6. You think “problems” are road blocks to achieving what you want, when in reality, they are pathways.If you haven’t heard it before, Marcus Aurelius sums this up well: “The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.” Ryan Holiday explains it with even greater grace and economy: “The obstacle is the way.” Simply, running into a “problem” forces you to take action to resolve it. That action leads you down the path you had ultimately intended to go anyway, as the only “problems” in your life ultimately come down to how you resist who you are and how your life naturally unfolds.

7. You think your past defines you, and worse, you think that it is an unchangeable reality, when really, your perception of it changes as you do.  Because experience is always multi-dimensional, there are a variety of memories, experiences, feelings, “gists” you can choose to recall… and what you choose is indicative of your present state of mind. So many people get caught up in allowing the past to define them, or haunt them, simply because they have not evolved to the place of seeing how the past did not prevent them from achieving the life they want… it facilitated it (see: the obstacle is the way). This doesn’t mean to disregard or gloss over painful or traumatic events, but simply to be able to recall them with acceptance and to be able to place them in the storyline of your personal evolution.

8. You try to change other people, situations and things (or you just complain/get upset about them) when anger = self-recognition. Most negative emotional reactions are you identifying a disassociated aspect of yourself. Your “shadow selves” are the parts of you that, at some point, you were conditioned to believe were “not okay,” so you suppressed them and have done everything in your power not to acknowledge them. You don’t actually dislike these parts of yourself, though, you absolutely love them. So when you see somebody else displaying one of these traits, it absolutely infuriates you, not because you inherently dislike it, but because you have to fight your desire to fully integrate it into your whole consciousness. The things you love about others are the things you love about yourself. The things you hate about others are the things you cannot see in yourself.

Photography: Nathan Congleton

Author- Brianna Wiest

Drama is Optional

**As originally posted on www.Iyanla.com Monday Matters blog November 19, 2012***

Human beings, particularly those of us with a deep attachment to the ego, the voice of separation, have a tendency to be very dramatic. When our backs are up against the wall; when we are being stretched or pruned or corrected by the circumstances of life rather than knowing and believing that things are working together for our good, we more often than not immediately assume that we are in grave danger of extinction.

When I think back to the most challenging experiences of my life, those moments when everything I thought I knew and believed were being tested, I must admit that the greatest difficulty I encountered was trying to control the rampant thoughts that seized my mind.

I now recognize that in those most difficult moments  my thinking became resistant, fearful and dramatic. I conjured up my own suffering. I lost faith and trust in all that I knew to be true.

Feeling sorry for myself, blaming others, not wanting to go through the trials of whatever the situation was at the time, I expected the worst and more often than not, that is what I got – – the worst possible scenario I could imagine. And, since it was in my mind, I experienced it in my life. It seemed real. It felt real.

It was a very dramatic manifestation of my own thinking.

There are certain life experiences like death or separation from a loved one that engender fear or sorrow. A challenge to one’s health or physical well being can also be frightening and will give rise to resistance. Things like the lack of funds to provide for your basic needs or hurt, harm or danger to your children render you helpless and desperate.

In these moments and for countless others it is very human and almost expected that the most dominant thought will lead the mind to the worst possible outcome rather than the greater possibility.

As humans, when we cannot see the end or control the events, we immediately assume that something horrible, painful and tragic will befall us. Lack of vision and control are sure to trigger the drama response.

In other situations, when something we do not want nor like or have not planned for presents itself as a life experience, we reach out for the support and input of others. Unfortunately, we often lure them into our experience by embellishing the worst parts of the story and refusing to entertain anything other than what we believe is happening, can happen or will happen to cause more dramatic suffering.

This kind of drama, like an infection, spreads quickly not just to all the cells in our body but to the people and other situations in our lives.

My experience has been that the more dramatic my responses to any experience, the faster and more widespread is the infection in other areas of my life. When I do not make a swift and serious effort to calm myself, focus my thoughts and eliminate the fear, I have run the risk of having the small manageable infection grow into a rip roaring plague!

What I have come to know and believe it that at all times, in all situations and under all circumstances, my only job and often the most difficult task I face is to trust in the goodness of God and to make myself available to God’s love and voice.

I often say that if God is the Alpha (Beginning) and the Omega (the End), then the middle is already covered by the presence of God.

Initially knowing this does not make hearing difficult news or facing a frightening situation easy. However, learning to lean into God’s presence rather than chasing my own thoughts has proven to save time and subdue the drama that is created when I think I am on my own.

A dramatic, fear-based, resistant response to life’s circumstances is a function of a broken line of communication with the Creator of my life.

Insisting that things must be the way I want them to be, believing that I can somehow control life and how it unfolds, avoiding the unpleasant moments, the testing situations and the inevitabilities of life will always result in a dramatic plague that I have to clean up.

Drama calls for a villain and a victim, conflict and control, a winner and a loser. Most dramas make really great entertainment but they can also limit the spiritual growth and healing possibilities for those involved.

Every life has difficult moments just as many stories have tragic elements. What makes a really good and dramatic story may not necessarily have an ending that promotes truth and faith or trust in the Divine Potential of the Human Spirit.

As human beings, we must all face tests that make us stronger, even when the tests make no sense to us. We are not going to feel prepared for the situations that we face. Surely it seems that some of us get more than our fair share of challenges, tests and difficulties.

None of this changes the truth that right where I am, the fulness of God is making drama optional to this depth of trust and knowing.

If, in the quiet times, the calm before the storm, I spend more time in connection and communion with the Commanding Officer of my life, the battles will seem less deadly and more purposeful.

Moving into a new year, a new time of possibility and opportunity, I am committed to make my life adrama free zone. This means that I will need to train my mind to seek first the lesson, learning and healing available by sending my ego to the corner when a challenge first shows its face. Not an easy task for sure but I have walked through enough plagues in my life to make me willing to do a new thing.  How about you?

3 Inspirational Quotes to Help You Achieve Your Dream Job

**As originally posted on www.td.org on April 21, 2015**

How do you successfully obtain your dream job when your current position does not properly reflect your skill set?

This was my exact situation two years ago: I was struggling to find a path to my ideal career using the work experience I already had. Here are three quotes that demonstrate how I was able to find my way. Each quote promotes a mindset that will help you build a sound career foundation. 

“Do what you have to do, in order to do what you want to do.”—Denzel Washington, The Great Debaters

This concept is similar to having to take one course before you are allowed to take another. Ensure that you research the prerequisites for whatever you want to do and complete those tasks first (educational courses, certifications, work experience, outreach, and so forth). Additionally, don’t resist taking on responsibilities you initially may not find beneficial. For instance, before I became a trainer, I was working as an eligibility clerk. I was given tedious assignments such as consolidating registration forms or making appointment reminder calls to patients, work I thought was more suitable for interns or volunteer staff. However, later I realized that the experience helped increase my customer service and curriculum-building skills. Thus, it is important to view every job as an opportunity to optimize your skills and not as a setback.

“Wise men make more opportunities than they find.”—Sir Francis Bacon

Time and time again I was turned down for positions that I felt were more in line with what I wanted to do. I began to feel stuck and frustrated, but I learned that I had to create the opportunities I wanted instead of trying to find ones that already existed. So, I contacted the organizational learning and effectiveness (OLE) department at my company and asked if they had any open positions. They told me they didn’t, so I asked if I could volunteer in their department to gain experience. Although they said the volunteer position would be unpaid, I happily pursued the opportunity. I volunteered in the OLE department for four months, gaining experience in facilitating new employee orientation, designing and coordinating workshops, developing standard works, and deploying employee engagement surveys. I was able to network with people who had the job titles and knowledge I wanted; as a result, I was referred to a group facilitation skills workshop that became a vital addition to my resume.

Be confident and resourceful when establishing a career foundation. Remember, the only limits that exist are the ones you create.

“For a cup brimful of sweet water cannot spill even one drop of bitter water, however suddenly jolted.”—Amy Carmichael, If

In the midst of trying to find the job that’s right for you, your patience and politeness will be tested. Learn to persevere and remain humble despite life’s trials and tribulations. When you feel angry, uninspired, or defeated, ask yourself:or defeated, ask yourself:

• How will being rude to my co-workers or customers benefit me?
• How will being lazy at work because it’s “not what I want to do” positively contribute to my work ethic?
• How will being cynical allow me to approach challenging situations objectively?

Try to envision what your triumphant testimony will look like once you have successfully accomplished your goals. Don’t let spiteful co-workers, irate customers, unorganized work environments, or an unsupportive manager deter you from growing professionally. Consistency and patience are key, and you may even enjoy the journey if you smile along the way!

According to R.M. Frischmann in Online Personal Brand: Skill Set, Aura, and Identity, “Transferable skills are the ones that can be used across subjects and disciplines. Technical skills are related to a specific discipline.” You must work passionately to obtain the technical skills you need to be hired for the position you want. But equally important, you must identify which skills you currently possess that are transferable. There’s strength in being proactive; do what’s necessary, create a path if there isn’t one, and remember that a smile is your greatest accessory.

Dorothy Lawrence

Dorothy Lawrence works as a training and quality specialist for Stanford Children’s Health, and is dedicated to promoting staff development and enhancing operational workflows. She holds a bachelor of arts degree in psychology and a master of arts degree in education, with a specialization in adult education and training.

5 End of The Year Tax Tips

Now is the time to save on taxes before the end of the year. Owe, just right, or refund. That’s the game for taxes. We would like for it to be just right (own nothing and receive nothing). However, most of us fall into the owe the government or refund from the government groups. With the tax rules for benefits and deductions changing almost every year, it can be hard to keep up and get it just right. Well, there are some common ones that haven’t changed. Yes you have until April to file taxes; however, there are steps you can take now to put more money towards your financial goals and save on taxes.

1) Increase contributions to retirement accounts.

Try to max out your tax-deferred retirement accounts before the end of the year. If you’re employed this will likely be a 401(k) or equivalent account. The maximum contribution is $18,000 or $24,000 if you’re over 50 years old. If you can’t max out you contribution, at least contribute enough to receive your employee match if offered by your company. Not sure if you have an employee match or how much it is? Contact your benefits office or HR.

You can also contribute to your Traditional IRA (individual retirement account). Contributions made to your Traditional IRA are not taxed. However, you will pay taxes on withdrawals. You can get a tax break now and allow the money to grow tax-free. Once it’s time to withdraw hopefully, you’ll be in a lower tax bracket and won’t have to pay as much taxes on the withdrawal of your money.

If you’re self-employed, outside of an IRA you may also have a solo 401(k). You can contribute 20% of your income up to $53,000. You can make tax-deferred contributions up until your business files taxes.

2) Withdraw distributions from a traditional IRA.

According to the IRS, when you’re over 70.5 years old, if you don’t distribute at least the minimum required amount then you’ll be punished with a 50% penalty on the amount you should have withdrawn. Yep, the government can take half of the minimum required distribution (RMD) if you don’t take it out. If you are the beneficiary of an IRA you also have to take out the RMD.

3) Delay the bonus.

If your company provides an end of the year bonus, see if you can delay it until after December 31st. The bonus will then apply to the following year, saving you on taxes this year. If you know you’ll be in the same or a lower tax bracket next year this is a great method to save on taxes.

4) Delay receipt of invoices.

As an entrepreneur, you can change the due date of your invoices to the following year. Income not received this year cannot be included in this year’s taxes. Delaying receipt of payments can save you money for this tax year. Again use this trick if you know you’ll be in the same or a lower tax bracket next year.

5) Donate to charity.

Donating to charity is another great way to decrease your tax burden for the year. If you haven’t made your charitable contributions, get them in by December 31st. Be sure to get a receipt of acknowledgement for the donation that shows the monetary value of the donation. If your donation is greater than $250 then you definitely need that receipt. However, if your donation is less you can also use your bank statement or credit card receipt as proof.

Tip for businesses:

Tax benefits can expire and unless you have your pulse on it you won’t know which benefits are expiring. If you have a business talk to a tax professional so that you make sure you take advantage of all the tax benefits for which you’re eligible.

Photo credit: Elvert Barnes

About Dr. Maria James

Dr. James, The Money Scientist, has expertise with designing income management, debt management, and wealth strategies to help you live your best life. She is the founder of Pocket of Money, LLC and the creator of The Wealth Protocol™. Dr. James has also been a guest financial expert on ESSENCE, WEAA, Madame Noire and more.

BEAUTY- Do You See it in The Mirror?

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder but when you look into the mirror, what does it behold for you?  Dove conducted a beauty experiment where women were to describe themselves to a police sketch artist.  The sketch artist was to draw each woman according to their self-description.  The catch was the artist could not see them as they described themselves.  Then the experiment continued when a stranger came in and was instructed to describe to the sketch artist what the woman looked like so that the artist could draw the stranger’s version of the woman.   Once the drawings were complete, the sketch artist showed the side by side sketches of each woman and to their astonishment, every woman’s self-description was a less attractive version of herself and every stranger’s description of each woman was almost 100% accurate as to what the woman they each described looked like.  In fact, the stranger’s description highlighted the attractive and realistic features of the woman they described and the women’s descriptions of themselves were exaggerated and often imaginary.  If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, why was it that these women couldn’t see the beauty that a perfect stranger passing through could?

Dove further concluded that 1 out of every 5 young girls will consider plastic surgery because they are unhappy with the way they look.  According to The American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery (ASAPS), “in 2012 over 10 million cosmetic surgical and non-surgical procedures were performed, 90% (9.1 million) of those procedures were performed on women.”  Furthermore, 19% of those surgeries were performed on women ages 19-34 and 1.3% (3,576) of them were performed on girls 18 and under.

Women have always been very critical and overly aware of their appearance but with the pressures of today’s media and celebrity glam, young girls are feeling even more pressured to be perfect beauty queens.  From obsessive use of makeup, hair extensions, and plastic surgery, girls are trying their hardest to conceal any signs of imperfections in pursuit of their idea of beauty.  It has been discovered that the excessive concern about a perceived physical defect is a somatoform disorder called Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD).  BDD starts to develop in adolescence and early adulthood and is more common in girls. It can be stemmed from mental and physical abuse or emotional distress.  Self-criticism of personal appearance often is the leading trigger for the sufferer to want to “fix” what they perceive to be wrong.  Often times what they perceive as wrong; just as in the Dove beauty experiment, is contrary to what is really there.  In extreme cases, BDD can cause suicidal tendencies.  In fact, the suicide rate in patients with BDD has said to be 45 times higher than in the general population.  This rate is more than double that of those with clinical depression and three times as high as those with bipolar disorder.

Being a woman in today’s society is tough but we must understand that we are all unique and that is the most beautiful thing of all.  At the end of the day, these celebrity women go home and take off their makeup, take off their push up bras, and remove their spanks just like everyone else.  We all have flaws and no one is perfect.  But if we embrace those imperfections and flaws and accept them as true, then they no longer have power over us.  In fact, they become less of a big deal.  So ladies, I challenge you!  Every morning before you put on your “war paint”, stand completely naked in the mirror and say to yourself, “My body is perfect as it is.  I love my face and I am beautiful.”  Don’t worry about whether or not you really believe it, just SAY IT!  And overtime you will start to see a change in how you see yourself.

And if you or anyone you know is suffering from BDD, please get help!

Until next time, Stay true, Stay blessed, and Stay Beautiful

Tiera Gray

Tiera has launched her Love Sex & Baggage movement in hopes to bridge the gap between men and women and help destroy the myths that each sex has in regards to each other. This movement is meant to inspire, intrigue, and provoke all your senses and evoke change in your love life. She has also launched her highly anticipated new web series, “The Amazing Woman’s Guide to Loving Her Single Life” on the Love Sex & Baggage You Tube channel which takes a modern day look at single women today trying to navigate their way through dating.

Her next book, “The Girl in the Uhaul” is scheduled to release August 2016!

To see or hear more of what Tiera Nicole has going on, check her out:
http://www.facebook.com/iamtieranicole
http://www.youtube.com/lovesexbaggage
Instagram- @Iam_TieraNicole